Chapter 34: Gifts of The Holy Chef

GIFTS of the HOLY  CHEF

                  The Holy Spirit refers to the divine force, quality, and influence

          of the Most High God over his creatures.

         Most chefs have an elevated sense of “self”. “ I ” have been doing this for “x” number of years, so do what " I ” say and don’t mess up “ my ”  food!  All I want to hear from you is “ Yes, chef ”! They are high-energy types, who are well paid and cannot understand why the “indentured servants” don’t share their desire to spend more than half of each day at work.

         Have you noticed that an inordinate number of chefs have their arms folded across their chests in portraits? Why is that? This signals they are blocking others and sending a negative message. In schoolyards, teachers refer to this as “ The Bully Pose ”. Men in particular employ this tactic when they feel the need to intimidate others. Psychologically this displays a closed mind,  “ I ” know everything! A self declared deity, no Bishop, Prophet, or Oracle required.

         In the Christian faith “The Holy Spirit” is God. The Spirit is present and provides sustenance to the lowly. I have experienced chefs who regard themselves as such; even posted memos signed “CHEF”, as opposed to using their name. The Roman Catholic Church touts the “Seven Gifts of The Holy Spirit”. While reviewing these gifts, an apple dropped on my head and I was reading “The Book of Revelation”.

         The kitchen is an insular world run by egomaniacs whose authority is not to be questioned. If the noun “chef” is substituted for “God” and “Holy Spirit”, my work environment is described. Genuflect to “the all knowing”, embrace his teachings and receive his gifts. Bow your head to avoid his wrath.

WISDOM

Wisdom is the first and highest gift of “The Holy Chef”. The Greek word for wisdom is sophia and it refers to the intimate understanding of “The Holy Chef’s” Word and His commandments, which result in holy and upright living.

UNDERSTANDING

We comprehend how we need to live as followers of “The Holy Chef”.

COUNSEL (RIGHT JUDGEMENT)

“The gift of truth that allows a” cook “to respond prudently, and happily to believe our” “Holy Chef”.

FORTITUDE (COURAGE)

“Willing to stand up for what is right” “even if it means accepting rejection”, “verbal abuse”, “or even physical harm and death”.

KNOWLEDGE

“We understand the meaning of God’s Revelation, especially as expressed in the life and words of “The Holy Chef”.

PIETY (REVERENCE)

“We have a deep sense of respect for God and” chef. A cook “with reverence recognizes our total reliance on” chef “and comes before” chef “with humility, trust, and love”.

FEAR OF THE LORD (WONDER and AWE)

“We are aware of the glory and majesty of “ chef. Chef “is the perfection of all we desire: perfect knowledge, perfect goodness,” and “perfect power”.

         The Gifts of the Holy Chef are enumerated above. “They are present in their fullness in Jesus Christ but are found in all” chefs “who are in a state of grace”. “They complete and perfect the virtues of those who receive them. Infused with His gifts, we respond to the promptings of “ The Holy Chef “as if by instinct”. “They make the faithful docile in readily obeying divine inspiration”.

         “While there is a degree of divine mystery to the nature of” “The Holy Chef”, “he definitely is not a bundle of warm feelings or good memories”.

         Cinema will typically portray acolytes of tyrannical cult leaders dressed in white; hmmm cooks wear white…

                                                                        CHEF ,

                                                                        YES  CHEF !

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

“The difficult we do,

               The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na scal

Chapter 33: Inspiration

INSPIRATION

                  Theirs is not to make reply,

                  Theirs is not to reason why,

                  Theirs is but to cook and fie!

                                   

The Charge of The Kitchen Brigade

Great orators inspire with words, lifting the spirit of their audience. Great doers accomplish seemingly impossible tasks. We witness greatness underway and want to join. It is a special kind of person that can move another to reach and strive for a goal most say is unattainable. These acolytes will gladly take the hit for Alice Kramden if it will get them to the moon.

A southern gentleman activated my saliva glands and made me want to cook. I longed to taste food that would make my mouth water! I wanted to move beyond being satisfied with food simply because it did not taste bad. Culinary instructors laid the groundwork, Certified Sous Chefs gave hands on instructions, and Certified Executive Chefs infused ingredients with matching and or contrasting flavor profiles, each level leading higher! I learned and practiced my craft.

Then I heard my new boss would be a “CERTIFIED MASTER CHEF”.  At the time, there were only sixty-three people, in the world, who held this certification. My sensory glands were alive with anticipation. I would be truly blessed learning from such a person. He was even European and spoke with a funny accent.

Ah, life is a cruel master and anticipation is NOT reality. Like a child waiting for Christmas morning and not finding the ONE thing they really, really, want; life in the kitchen proves fantasies are just that.

“ You guys can’t cook because your palettes suck "! This statement is my clearest memory from my time working for this person. I was hoping to gain insight into the magic of food, seasoning combinations and preparation techniques. This chef had just left a position at a culinary school, so I expected a teacher experienced in motivating and inspiring a group. Instead I was panning for gold, toiling for hours, searching for illumination amid the muck rolling down hill.

I did discover valuable information and the brigade would debate the merits and faults of each. For a time, we would ask Chef for clarification but this would usually produce a look of disdain. He would then intone; “ If I told you it was ‘xyz’ would it make any difference ”? This private rebuke wasn’t as bad as the public slights. When theses discussions arose, Chef might look at an individual and ask aloud; “ If I asked Mike what ‘xyz’ is, do you think he would know ”? Yes, public humiliation is a “positive” motivational tool.

Chef’s prep area was in the middle of the kitchen where all could see him work. At times he would be assisted by other cooks. It was pointed out to me, by a “Certified Sous Chef”, that only those hired by “Master Chef” assisted him. It wasn’t until I saw an intern at his table that I realized a group of experienced professionals would not be granted access. We could work, sweat, and watch from behind the line but we were not part of “Master Chef’s” Praetorian Guard. After experiencing this, we were told in staff meetings by Chef that; I do not have favorites. His actions had spoken so loudly, the words could not be heard.

Then a new menu was implemented and I was instructed how to cook “my” dishes. Much later I discovered a packet that the servers were given. It contained pictures, description, ingredients, and cooking methods of each dish. Why weren’t the cooks given this? We had an interest, knowledge, and the ability to improve ourselves with this information. Management had exhorted the brigade to educate themselves on their time but did not consider them while helping the servers. This action only added to the “Front of House” vs. “Back of House” battle. How do you regard someone highly whose actions only show disregard?

What’s the difference between parsley and cilantro? These green herbs with similar shaped leaves at the end of thin green stalks are commonly found in a kitchen. Master Chef stopped when he heard the conversation, laughed, scoffed, waited, and then explained the difference. No one was listening because all they heard was the laugh.

An employer should treasure an employee, who actively seeks to expand his knowledge. A person courageous enough, to ask for help, and seek the knowledge of others should be embraced and encouraged. They can be nurtured to achieve great things. Unfortunately, I have too often heard in the kitchen; “You are on a Need To Know Basis.” Why try to increase your knowledge and become a more productive member of the staff when this is what management spews? Could there be a better way in instill a “can do” attitude in staff?  Is this what makes an “overachiever”.

No one can do or see everything. An experienced staff can save a teammate. Anyone arrogant enough to think otherwise will continually ask why he is the only one performing the small tasks. When extra effort, misguided or not, is greeted by a howling wind of; “Did I tell you to do that?” or its cousin; “Do you know how much that costs"? that extra effort is soon swept off the floor with the day’s other discarded items.

A sauce is burning on the stove and the two people working two feet away somehow do not notice, the oven timer is turned off but the product is left in the oven to overcook, but energy is found to turn off the dripping water defrosting proteins. Staff soon learns if there is no reward for common sense, then it stays in their locker. When extra effort is rewarded with a shout, there is no more extra. And the shouter wonders how no one could notice what is going wrong.

“How do you like me now?” This was the favorite refrain of one sous chef, who took pleasure in getting staff to do mundane and unnecessary manual tasks. He would gloat and enjoy others misery when he was “managing”. The time always came when he needed cooperation and extra effort from those he had abused and the response, although not always verbalized, was always the same;  “ I won’t do that for HIM ”.

One guy had a habit of telling his co-workers what was being done wrong and why. He saw his mission as education and inspiration. Staff efficiency could be increased if these younger people gained some “kitchen sense”.  Of course his oratory was considered a “rant” to be endured while in his proximity. Thus enlightened he would cajole his audience with;  “ I don’t rant…. I inspire ”.

I am surprised that some MBA is not making money off these sayings. They could be printed on a laminated poster and hung in a dim hallway next to the minimum wage and OSHA posters!

Kitchens are mostly staffed with the male of the species and management acts accordingly. Screaming is largely accepted and chefs can challenge the Brigade’s machismo, “ Act like you got a pair ”. They fully expect a testosterone-fueled reaction that accomplishes management’s objective. Reasoning and logic are tertiary methods to be used if the sonic onslaught and heaping piles of fecal matter are ineffective.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

                                                                                “The difficult we do,

    The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na scal

Chapter 32: The Charge Of The Kitchen Brigade

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN         

THE  CHARGE  OF  THE  KITCHEN  BRIGADE

                                    Forward “The Kitchen Brigade”

                                    Was there a man dismayed?

                                    Even though the cooks all knew;

                                    Management had blundered.

                                    Theirs is not to make reply,

                                    Theirs is not to reason why,

                                    Theirs is but to cook and fie!

                                    Into the Cauldron of Sweat

                                    Strode the Encumbered.


                                    Forward "The Kitchen Brigade"

                                    Hear an order, curse that order, make that
                                     order.

                                    In the Cauldron of Sweat,
                                    toiled the Encumbered.

                                    Managers to the right of them,

                                    Servers to the left of them,

                                    Searing flames behind them.

                                    POS machines shuttered and printed.

                                    Assulted by app and entrée,

                                    their mise was rent asunder,

                                    how they cooked but did not blunder;

                                    in the Cauldron of Sweat

                                    toiled the Encumbered

                                   

                                    When can their glory fade,

                                    all the world wondered?

                                    Honor the charge they made

                                    Noble Encumbered!

                                   

                                    Theirs is not to make reply,

                                    Theirs is not to reason why,

                                    Theirs is but to cook and fie!

                                   

Inspired by: The spewings of  H.B.O. Alfred,
                    "The Lordly Wizard of Westbrook”

                    A. Tennyson        

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

            “The difficult we do,

               The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na scael

Chapter 31: Nick Names

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN 

NICK NAMES

Humor in the Kitchen is loud and brutish. You are hit with a meat mallet, not wafted by a dandy’s handkerchief. Remarks tend to be vulgar and cutting but true inspiration shines through on occasion. I offer examples for those with minds mingling in the muck and those whose muse may meander higher.

The first group of nicknames has been “SELF INFLICTED”. A characteristic or habit of an individual has been noticed and the trait becomes their moniker.

Ed (Oedipus)

         A waitress worked in the same restaurant as her son, who was a “foodrunner”. During a busy dinner service, dishes were stacked in the kitchen waiting to be delivered. The foodrunner hurried back to the kitchen and asked the expediter; “who do I get next” A or B? Since A was the guy’s mother, all the cooks were aghast at the impropriety, and loudly voiced their disapproval. The Oedipus Complex is a psychological disorder where children are sexually attracted to their parent of the opposite gender.

Feedbag

         Anyone who eats beyond the capacity of a normal human being is a “Feedbag”. “Feedbags” are also usually oblivious that they eat too much. If you join the army after earning this name, it is changed to “Private Feedbag”.

(Mr.) Magoo

         Mr. Magoo is a cartoon character with terrible eyesight. This is a traditional moniker for anyone who seems unable to find what he is looking for. “Magoo” is often times turned into a verb i.e. “Did you magoo that chicken?” A smart “Magoo” will turn this trait to his advantage. When not in the mood to look for product, he can ask for help without receiving the usual sass. Everyone will chuckle and assume “Magoo” is “blind” again.

Maximum

         Banquet cooks are forever asking “front of the house” personnel how many guests have arrived. Experience has taught that a number on a “function sheet” means nothing and the only way to avoid cooking too few entrée’s is to get a “body count”. One banquet manager grew tired of these queries and shouted; “we are at maximum”.

H. B. O.

One veteran cook informed the staff that he was the “Head Broiler Operator” and therefore should be addressed as HBO!

Talos

Talos (TAY – los) is a bronze giant from ancient Greek mythology. You should watch the early 1960’s movie “Jason and the Argonauts” to fully comprehend the image. Jason drained the life fluid from the giant and Talos endured a slow agonizing death. He first grabs his throat in pain, then teeters, next cracks appear, and finally his body shatters and the pieces fall to the beach. As a new confidant manager was experiencing the unnecessary and illogical stress of  “THE ZONE”, the old hands were counting the days before he hit the beach.

Fluff Master

One cook was so impressed with his ability to make light, fluffy mashed potatoes that he renamed himself.

The Vulture

         One server was constantly hovering around the kitchen towards the end of any buffet. They were ignoring their work in order to be the first to pick over the leftovers. They would swoop around the kitchen intently eyeing the prep table. As soon as the hotel pans hit steel, “The Vulture” would pounce. This “hot LZ” was attacked and a container was immediately filled. Meanwhile, the remaining staff was working.

Cheesy Dumper

A lunchtime station required a large amount of cheese to be sliced each day. The cook at this station must have been overworked since she started to have dreams about the workplace. In her dream, she was sitting in the bathroom performing “Number Two” when a fellow cook delivered the required cheese.

13 or 30

One expediter had a habit of leaving the line to see how many tables remained to be served. One night he returned, and with a straight face, said; “you have either 13 or 30 left.” The logic of this statement escaped everyone but him.

Au Jus

         Laziness and carelessness gave birth to “Au Jus”. One place had kitchens on two floors connected by a “dumbwaiter”. This device had two shelves and someone put an unwrapped container of “au jus” (cooking liquid – usually hot) on the top shelf. When the lower floor cook reached up for the container it spilled down his face and jacket.

DOM & DYM

         As is the custom in a testosterone fueled space, two males were commenting on the physical attributes of a female. The younger, aghast at the elder’s crudeness, called him a “Dirty Old Man”. Come on, DOM why do you gotta be like that? Well you are a “Dirty Young Man”.

Similar features of celebrities and those around us have entertained the populous for ages. Next I offer a few “LOOK A LIKES” that I have encountered.

Gandalf

A worldly, mature, almost white haired YoungMan, endeared himself to his wife by growing a beard. Now his hair, beard and jacket were a dazzling white. This gentleman produced such a startling aura; it could only be compared to the first appearance of “Gandalf the White”.

Lerch

Lerch was the butler from The Adams Family television show. He was large, tall, and if spoken to would respond with the sound, aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaa. This name was assigned to a tall, particularity slow moving man.

The Turtle – The Tall Turtle

Imagine the cartoon character “FRANKLIN”, a turtle. One chef was short with a large nose and a hunched over back. Salesmen would refer to him as “The Turtle”. A tall new sous chef gained his “handle” by association, “The Tall Turtle”.

Amish

The Amish are Christians that live a simple, mostly agrarian life. There is a large population in south central Pennsylvania. A young man got a haircut that looked like a bowl was placed on his head as a guide. This coif was ridiculed and comparisons were made to “LLOYD” Christmas and an Amish farmboy. Amish stuck.        

Flaca

A Spanish-speaking guy thought his young, tall, skinny, white boy co-worker looked like a dirty little girl. So he referred to the younger man as “FLACA SUCIO”. This Spanish was a mouthful for the Anglos so it was shortened to “FLACA”.

Rhyming words with someone’s name has been done for eons. Word association is similar childish behavior and the heat of the kitchen boils one’s brain the same way. I now offer nouns that are SIMILAR or ASSOCIATED with a name.

Dr. Phil  -  The Doctor  -  Dr. of  “Phil  osiphy”

A few cooks worked too many years for a chef named Phil and spent their down time playing word games with his name. If staff did not like what he was doing it was termed:                    “PHIL… LATIO”, or it was all “PHILLED UP”.

Senor

This term is a play on the Spanish word for mister. A young guy coined the phrase referring to someone who was “senior” to him in years.

“Laffer   disiac”

Mr. Lafferty would encourage young ladies to eat oysters!

“Management”

This was a method to distinguish guys when too many have the same first name.  The sous chef was renamed “Management”. This is a nod of respect to my uncle who lovingly used the term to refer to his wife.

Comparing the PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES of others to the world around us is my next offering.

Diaper Butt

One lady possessed the “maximum” of gluteus maximums. As she walked away one could not help but be reminded of an infant with a full load.

Spud Butt

One young lady actually told the story of this encounter. She met a man who commented on the size of her posterior and he theorized that she “sure ate a lot of potatoes”.

Sheet Pan Ass

This term is the exact opposite of the previous two examples. Sheet pans are metal trays about 2’ x 3’ with ½ inch lip, commonly used in kitchens.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

                                                 “The difficult we do,
                                                 The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na scael