THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN August 2011
Mike Campbell
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE KITCHEN
Pressure makes people do silly things. Heat and stress can cause the body and mind to go numb. Screaming and cussing are the usual outlets in the kitchen, BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN THE COMEDY GODS VISIT!
“Standard breading procedure” is a common technique used in cooking. An item is coated in flour, then egg, and then breadcrumbs, before cooking. Fried chicken is an example. Coating a human is not “standard procedure” but it can be done.
The required raw materials are all readily available in a commercial kitchen: flour, egg, breadcrumbs, humans, and someone with a fried brain willing to participate in nonsense while the manager is not in close proximity.
As some of the participants related to me, towards the end of a long night the boys were restless and began searching for their release valve. The sauté guy looked at his work area, noticed he had just dumped the breading station in a large trashcan and mused; all I need is protein! Aha, an unsuspecting female lurking in the pantry.
“everyone on the post looking for these blighters,
and I reconnoiter adroitly and encounter them.”
Sgt. Archibald Cutter (Cary Grant)
Gunga Din (movie)
The flunkies spring into action. They grab the girl and start dipping her feet first, into the mix. Voila, she is ready for frying!
As I have intimated in previous chapters, if you are to survive in the kitchen you can’t just accept this treatment. THERE MUST BE RETRIBUTION. Like a lioness on the hunt, she watched and waited.
The raw fish was stored in the drawers of a cabinet. Proper fish storage requires the product to be iced and refrigerated at all times. The fish sits in a perforated liner above a drip pan, which collected the melting ice. This fish water is nasty and had to be emptied daily. It is not intended to be a cleansing liquid.
ATTACK! The aggrieved female douses the sauté guy with the fish water.
Sometimes these antics have unintended consequences. When flour is dumped on someone, they can shake themselves off and go home to shower. But this is where the fun and true retaliation begin. A mixture of flour and water is dough! The recipient thus becomes a “Human Wellington” long before he is clean.
An ex-coworker of mine instituted a farewell ceremony of smashing a whipped cream pie in the face of people transitioning to other employment. We discovered this when he decorated a restaurant manager on his last day of work. So when I gave my two-week notice, my guard was on high alert!
Finally, it is the last day of this job and I have not yet had my pie. I spend the first part of this day looking for “Charlie” and grow weary of the constant effort. So I decide I will attack first! I prepare a pie and stalk!
This kitchen was a long narrow room with a wall running its length dividing the hot line from the dish room. There were narrow walkways on either side. If I could catch “Charlie” in one of these walkways, he would have nowhere to hide. I set this plan in motion and missed several opportunities before “The Good Lord” smiled on me.
“Charlie” was in the dish room, I grabbed my pie and moved to the front, next to one of the walkways. Would he choose this one? YES! If I peeked around the corner to line up my shot I would be seen. I had to hope for blind luck. I listened, I waited, my prey was on its way. I stuck my arm out, pie in hand, at shoulder height. SPLAT! It was perfect! I hit him dead center in the face and caught him completely by surprises! It was so good he fell on the floor screaming!
He dropped what he was carrying and flopped on the floor like a harpooned whale! Whipped cream was everywhere, his face, his jacket, and the floor. All the while he moaned “nobody gets Charlie”, “nobody gets Charlie”. The staff was beside themselves with laughter. It was worth the cleanup, seeing "Charlie’s" face covered and watching him wipe the cream out of his eyes. Years later and I can still hear him whining, “ nobody gets Charlie, I get them”. Not this night!
Most Chefs do not want nonsense occurring in their kitchens, so it was nice to see one participate. I was working in a small restaurant and space was limited. The only freezer was a double door “reach in” about three feet deep. There were only a few shelves so it was not uncommon to spend time on your knees hunting for inventory. Your head and shoulders would be in the freezer and your backside would be in the hallway.
One day the Chef turned the corner to find a young and rather large cook in this position. Chefs are creative and constantly worry that product is spoiling while staff ponder their next move. What to do? He placed his foot on the meaty portion of checked pants and applied aggressive pressure. Before the screaming began, he almost had the door slammed shut. He mused, two hundred and fifty pounds of free frozen meat! What more could a cost conscience manager want?
“Music soothes the savage beast”, so says an old proverb, and long hours and extreme heat can turn your brain to mush. These two ships often collide in the kitchen, resulting in behavior that would seem peculiar anywhere else.
A solitary man stands at his dish machine and sings loudly and badly to pass the time. He usually sings the old disco song “At The Carwash”. Of course, he changes the words to “At The Dishwash”. Over time this gets old so his minds wanders. There is a large metal “stand fan” in his dish room. Sound waves bounce off solid objects, so he experiments. Singing straight in to the fan blades has little effect; it doesn’t matter if you are in front or behind. But if you are just a little off center, magic. Reverb has been rediscovered. Its almost Elvis, but this man is an R&B fan. Billy Paul’s “Me and Mrs. Jones” is the answer!
A less than ordinary voice has been transformed into radio perfection! “The Fan Man” has been born and his lilting tones lead to another adventure.
“The Fan Man” worked at a hotel that offered karaoke on the weekends. These events were not well attended and the DJ’s were always looking for some way to charge up the crowd. Enter “The Fan Man”.
Just singing would not do! “The Fan Man” was an admirer of James Brown and he had to enter as James Brown. We did not have a red cape, but we did have red table clothes. Two cooks would drape a tablecloth over his head and lead him through the dining room and bar on to the stage. He would kneel down and the cooks would remove the “cape”. Then he would sing James Brown. The crowd loved it!
The DJ’s wanted him every week. Soon “The Fan Man” added a pair of sunglasses, bobbed from side to side and sang Stevie Wonder songs. We were never able to get the fan on stage but James Brown and Stevie Wonder were enough to keep the managers shaking their heads and the rest of us happy.
Have you ever wondered what to do with brownies? The obvious answer is to eat them but they are capable of multi tasking. Put one in your hand, add a little water and squeeze. Now place them gently on the floor around your work area. A gullible person and a knowing crowd are now required. The crowd must stay quiet waiting for their “mark” to shout:
IS THAT A TURD?
The similarity is remarkable.
With ample food and open back doors, it has been known for mice to enter restaurants. They are not marathon runners; they dart from hiding place to hiding place. They are usually noticed from the corner of your eye, as dark movement that is not there when you try to find it. How do you make use of this knowledge? Abuse an unsuspecting co-worker, of course!
A jumpy person and an avocado are your tools. Avocados have large dark colored pits, remove the pit and wait. When your “mark” is looking away, roll the pit along the floor in his general direction. When the shadow crosses his line of sight, he will jump and maybe even shout! Its great fun!
“A little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest people”.
Reminisce Magazine
I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.
Into THE CAULDRON!
“The difficult we do,
The impossible takes a little longer!”
Is tuisce deoch na sceal
