Chapter 29 : Special Orders

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN     

SPECIAL ORDERS

If you do not want to eat what is on the menu,

then WHY are you here?

Special orders DO UPSET US! They are “the gaper delay” of the Kitchen Highway! Production must stop, as you abandon your station to engage in an unanticipated mission of discovery. You are making ONE person happy, while everyone else waits! 

People who want special service tend to be self-centered so they fail to notice that their need miraculously occurs at the busiest time of service. They also want to know why their order takes so long.

In a public restaurant customers may have to eat what is on the menu. In a private establishment, “members” are rarely refused. If a cook is inclined to waste his time he may ask Management, if he should fulfill the request and hear:

Ni, ni, ni, ni, ni,ni, ni, ……... YES!

YoungMan”

Servers invariably deliver these “requests”. When they start a question with “can”, the cook will lean forward on his two fists and bow his head giving the impression of intense concentration.  He is actually, grinding his tongue into tiny pieces resisting the urge to pull this person through “the window”, and gently inquire, 

“Is that on the menu?”

You feel like a child, you know you have to do this but you do not want to do this. You will receive all the pain but zero reward for making that “special” customer happy. 

“I AM HERE TO PLEASE THE MEMBERSHIP!”

 Over time you will develop “the thousand yard stare”. This deadening of common sense happens over time and a cook will prepare the most ridiculous things without comment. BUT THIS SCAR TISSUE TAKES A LONG, LONG TIME TO DEVELOP!
 

So where does this hostility go? It can be internalized (to ruin a cooks stomach), spewed at the server, or launched at the chef (who only uses the word “NO” when speaking to a cook).

High volume kitchen production is achieved from following a routine. Everything is set up for speed. Your “mise en place”, the items required for your dishes, is within arms reach. You know where everything is without looking. Watching a good line cook is like watching a gymnast on the balance beam. They are turning, bending, stooping, stirring, tasting, handling hot objects, and using sharp knives with barely a thought or glance. But when you stumble on the balance beam, everything stops; you have to think about the next step. But the first step is usually to curse!

Special requests initiate a long walk down “the line”. This little soiree requires “running the gauntlet”. You must “tread the narrow path” behind cooks with knives in their hands on one side and a wall of heat and flames on the other. You start shouting “behind”, so no one turns in to you. If you escape unscathed, you enter a haven, the “walk-in”. You stop inside the door and your head automatically tilts up feeling the breeze from the fan. Your mind immediately shifts to pleasure mode. Its dark, cool and quiet here. So why can’t I stay in this “controlled environment”?
 

During this interlude, questions of appropriateness and common sense wander through your mind. I should be on the line pushing out plates. I am wasting time on one {expletive of your choice} and will have to work harder just to catch up. And worst of all, I will have to listen to the chef, the guy who sent me in here, question why things are taking so long! These queries are not posed in a genteel fashion. Depending on the cook and the chef they may remain floating in your cerebellum or erupt volcanically over the soundscape. Chaos reigns on the other side of that door! You must shake off the euphoria, grab your ingredients, and resume your dance between and hot and sharp objects.

There is very little workspace, and now even that is cluttered. Your attention is turned to the “special request” when; “HOLY CRAP BATMAN”, what did I burn while I was in the walk-in? Now you have to trash the ruined dish, start it again, finish the “special request”, take control of your other dishes, listen to the expediter’s “motivational” rants, and most importantly, NOT scream that you were doing what you were told!

A cook is judged on output. Speed and coordinating with fellow cooks to plate a dish at the same time is essential. If an item is not ready when fired, the whole process backs up. You can jump to another order but that may not be ready either. 

At this point the chef asks “how close is that dish? You reply, ”two minutes”. Thirty seconds later he repeats the same question. You reply, “one minute”. Thirty seconds later he screams,  
“I NEED THAT NOW!”
 

And then you get to do it again. A precedent has been set. Once something not on the menu appears in the dining room, others will see it and want it. “If they did it for him, they will do it for me”! 

The server will smile and take the tip. The cook just sweats!

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

“The difficult we do,

                             The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 28: My Philosophy

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                          July 2012

Mike Campbell

MY PHILOSOPHY

“Do my best, and forget the rest".

        

USE  YOUR  HEAD

Your brain is the best tool you have!

SAFETY

“I HAVEN’T CUT MYSELF YET” is not a reason to be reckless. Knives are carried pointed down and rolls are sliced on a cutting board NOT the palm of your hand! Close the blade before you clean the slicer! Water turns to steam at 212 degrees F; so do not put your hand in immediately after opening. “USE YOUR HEAD”.    

YOUR  FECES  DOES  STINK !!!!!!!

There is only one God and He does not wear checked pants! He also does not work in a kitchen. We human vessels are weak, we blunder, and we are less than perfect, so don’t try to pass yourself off as “CHEF ALMIGHTY” and expect others to genuflect to your magnificence.

APOLOGIZE;  IT’S  THE  HARDEST  THING  YOU’LL  EVER  DO  IN  THE KITCHEN.

The “right” or “wrong” of a situation is not the issue. The paramount challenge is not poisoning your work environment and personal relationships. The constant stress of continuing an argument will make you and those around you miserable. I advise swallowing your pride, maybe feel uncomfortable for a few minutes, and moving on to a happy place.

THINK

USE YOUR HEAD FIRST AND YOUR BODY SECOND.

TREAT  OTHERS  AS  YOU  WANT  TO  BE  TREATED

Don’t talk down to others, and do not take them for granted. You can learn from everyone. You will need help at some point so do not alienate those around you.

KEEP  AN  OPEN  MIND

Try new things and new combinations. If it sounds crazy, try it anyway! You will never broaden your experiences if you travel in a rut.

ALWAYS  ASK  WHY

NEVER STOP THINKING, things can always be done better. Do not accept the answer; “I’ve been doing it this way for years”. Things change, techniques that made sense at one time may loose their relevance. Search for more efficient methods. You will NEVER know all the tricks of the trade!

WHAT’S  THE  NEXT  STEP ?

Prepare! Is your station stocked and backed up? What happens when you run out of an item? The time to answer these questions is before service not when you are in the weeds! Can I make my life easier by doing a little extra now, instead of standing around? Get out of the kitchen mindset of doing only what is required to survive this shift!

I   AM   MORE   IMPORTANT   THAN  THE  CUSTOMER

This is simple math. There may be 100 customers being fed by 3 or 4 cooks. Therefore, one cook is responsible for 25% to 33% of the plates, while a customer is one percent. A disgruntled customer may infect a few others and ownership may lose 5%. If a cook goes down, 25 % of the customers will be ill served.

TRAIN  YOURSELF  OUT  OF  A  JOB

 I learned this tenet from an old Accounting boss. How can I advance if there is no one to take my place? Train those with less skill than you. There is no faster way to get something done than to have someone else do it. I once worked for a Chef who acted as the receiving clerk and stored all the deliveries. He refused to train someone to place things where he wanted them. Instead he spent years moving boxes while lesser-paid staff was available. I WILL NEVER BE THAT CHEF!

MANAGEMENT

 This is work. Management is not pontificating and assuming things are the way you want them, just because you said so! Management requires communication, education, understanding, encouragement, accountability, and follow up.  “Follow up” is the hardest aspect of management, NEVER ASSUME. You must ensure that staff followed you instructions. If there is a mistake you want to find it first and not be embarrassed by a customer or look unqualified to a boss. If the staff is properly trained a good manager can quickly ascertain a situation. Staff must know you have performance standards. These standards must be enforced all the time, not just when you are in a bad mood!

LEARN  WHAT   NOT   TO  DO

Emulating a mentor is a great idea. Discovering qualities, characteristics, practices, or techniques in others that you admire and make your own will help us evolve. Only an active mind will seek to understand what is occurring around it. If positive attributes are rarely encountered, then study qualities that are not productive. I have found it easier to catalogue traits that I find offensive than to analyze what is being done well. A boss’s irritating traits come to my mind much quicker than the positives. When someone’s behavior irritates you, resolve not to imitate that action.

DO  IT  RIGHT  -  THE  FIRST  TIME

If you perform your tasks properly the first time you will not be doing it again. This is especially important when you are busy, if the chef is unimpressed with your product or the customer sends an item back, you will be making the dish a second time. Develop and maintain a ‘TEAM CONCEPT’. A lazy action may save you time but how many other will pay the price? Return items to their proper spot! Others will waste much more time trying to find it. Do not take someone else’s prep!

LEARN  FROM  YOUR  MISTAKES !

This is how I developed my philosophy. I have made many mistakes, bad techniques, laziness, and bad decisions. I can always improve on my mechanics, motor skills get better and faster with repetition.

Improving myself, my inner being, THAT IS THE REAL STRUGGLE.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

“The difficult we do,

                             The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 27: Kidding Me - Servers

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                  February 2012

Mike Campbell

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (Servers)

BOZONE

“The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.”

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational

Have you ever wondered if all the talk of “attention deficit disorder” and the sad state of American education is true? If you exclude any kind of computer knowledge, the answer is a thunderous and resounding YES. “The Collie Look” is as much a part of a server’s uniform as an apron. Have you ever spoken to a dog that stares at you blankly, then tilts his head and continues to stare? This is “The Collie Look”.

There are many “professionals” in the server ranks and I do not speak of them. The job of server (the old and politically incorrect call these people waiters and waitresses) is mostly staffed by people waiting to “get a real job”, usually college students. Why would I bash someone working his way through college? Details to follow.  

A young server answers the phone at a club and then scurries throughout the building looking for the manager. There is a dilemma and she is confused. Mr. Jones wants to reserve the same table he had last week, but someone moved it. What should I do? ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? She actually thought the person wanted the same table, as opposed to sitting in the same spot.

It’s late in the night and a large table is seated. Service ends and the cooks are ready to go home, but this table has not had dessert. All the cooks stand around waiting and employing gentle verbal motivational techniques on the waitress. She delivers a list of the required desserts for the fifteen guests, 11 chocolate cakes, 3 pies, and 1 mousse. While the waitress watches, the cooks lie out fifteen (15) dishes and start to plate the desserts. The waitress picks up six desserts and starts to leave. We whisper quietly and inquire why she is leaving so many desserts behind. I was wondering why you did so many. We show her the paper and verify that the plates correspond with what she wrote, 1 mousse, 3 pies, and 11 cakes! That’s a two not eleven! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?  Of course there was no manager to witness this farce, so off she goes laughing. The cooks stare at all the wasted food and think of how much time was just wasted. The sad part is we all knew it was just a matter time before this stunt was repeated.

“How many chicken fingers do you get in the half dozen?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The waitress couldn’t understand why the cook would not answer her and reported the situation to her manager. The manager was dumbfounded and everyone else wondered who hired her?

A busy night is over and the staff is having a few drinks. A waitress leaves and then returns a few minutes later. She is babbling about backing into a blue car in the upper lot. Wait a tick, I HAVE A BLUE CAR IN THE UPPER LOT! Sure enough, the two cars are kissing. I look around and I am truly distressed. This is a large lot and there is thirty (30) feet between cars and mine is the only other car in the lot! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? In a lot capable of parking twenty (20) automobiles, she struck a “bull’s eye” on the one occupied space!

Have we had angel hair pasta on the menu for the last six months? "The Collie Look”. Have you been asked the same question every week for the last six months? “The Collie Look”. The answer to the first question is “NO” and the answer to the second question is “YES”. SO WHY AM I HAVING THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN?  “But it’s in the computer”. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? Have you read the menu?  “The Collie Look”. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The server does not know what is on the menu but since an item is listed in the computer, it must be in the kitchen. I am well aware that the kitchen is a magical place, but I have yet to witness someone materialize a physical object from the Ethernet.

The chef anticipates a busy night and informs the servers there will be no takeout. This would seem to be a simple declarative statement, with only one meaning. But servers seem to have a “Bill Clintonesque” understanding of the English language. Evidentially, there are now many meaning to the word “no”. It took only five minutes for our first “take out” order to be received.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Mr. Spock would have applied logic to this anomaly and questioned the obtuse server. We tried and were told; “but they are in the building”! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? What does the physical location of a person have to do with the word “no”? It appears to depend on what your definition of the word “no” is. I’m sorry, “what part of the one syllable two letter word did you not understand”?

Vinaigrette salad dressings are a combination of oil and vinegar. Like cooks and servers, they share a working space but must be forced to come together. Before serving it is common to emulsify the vinaigrette by shaking its container. If the lid is not tight, dressing will most likely be spread all over you. I heard a waitress scream after she splashed balsamic vinaigrette over her upper body. The vinegar was burning her eyes and had turned spots on her face red. This would make most people scream but this was not the cause of her pain. She was worried about her hair! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Potential blindness and burned facial skin were irrelevant if her hair was a mess! Needless to say, she was forever called ”BALSAMIC”!

Common sense tells you food can go from a raw state to varying degrees of being cooked. What happens when someone challenges this reality? A cook receives an order for meat cooked medium to rare! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Superman must be flying around the earth so fast the cooking process now works in reverse! Discreet inquires are made to determine the authors meaning and we are told; “I don’t know. That’s what they said”. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? Did someone forget to put on her “thinking cap” today?

What’s the potato, veg, and soup ? The cook informs server #1. 
What’s the potato, veg, and soup ? The cook informs server #2. 
What’s the potato, veg, and soup ? The cook informs server #3.  
What’s the potato, veg, and soup ? The cook informs server #4.

ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? Do I have to speak to every server tonight? Can’t you people talk to one another? Unfortunately, the answer is no. Every server will ask the same question every night without ever speaking to their fellow servers.

Why are hours of operation posted? So servers can make promises that someone else must do extra work to fulfill. Particularly in private clubs, members want to eat when they want to eat. Servers will order food with total disregard to time. Since lunch starts at eleven why would food be ordered before then? “They want to eat now”. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who said the food is ready? There are three usual answers; (1) “The Collie Look” (2) server “X” said you would do it (3) you did it before. Do any of these answers remotely relate to “today”? The result is the customer is happy, the server gets tipped and the cook did all the work.

Serving staff a meal off the menu is a time honored pain in the ass to every cook. A meal is prepared for the “servers” and THEY TAKE A BREAK AND SIT DOWN TO EAT! This is a benefit taken for granted by so many, but it is enjoyed by few cooks. To make matters worse, they start to create their own menus! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Salads with mixed greens are changed to just iceberg; diced cucumbers are needed on a hoagie, even though hoagies are not on the menu, and cheesesteak salad.

French onion soup is served with melted cheese in a hot bowl. The bowl will usually be placed on aluminum “sizzle plates”, for ease of handling, before going in the oven. The, extremely hot, bowl is extracted from the oven and transferred to a plate. A good server will have this plate ready. After requesting “French Onion plates” “ad nauseum”, the cooks would leave the sizzle plate and bowl in the window.  Would a “thinking man” touch a bowl that just came out of an oven? No, but most servers would. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

These are not atypical conversations between cooks and servers. If you are shaking your head, you are not alone. After one of these exchanges I heard a cook scream, “you have just wasted three minutes of my life”!

IT’S NOT MISTAKES THAT BEFUDDLE ME, IT IS THE TOTAL LACK OF THOUGHT!

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

“The difficult we do,

                             The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 26: Kidding Me - Management

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                   November 2011

Mike Campbell

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (Management)

THEATRE  OF  THE  ABSURD…

(Culinarians),“humanity had to resign itself to recognizing that a fully satisfying rational explanation of its universe” (hospitality industry) “was beyond its reach”.

Once upon a time, a new employer informed me I would be paid “time and a half” for holidays. I thought this was a great benefit! Most American businesses will pay you for the day, commonly eight hours, but this place was giving me “time and a half”! I was one happy cookie and patted myself on the back for joining this company. Imagine my surprise, when I was paid twelve hours for working a holiday.

 I was expecting to be paid eight hours for the time I worked and eight hours for the “holiday”. The chef told me he didn’t know how holiday pay worked, since he was salary and it did not apply to him! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The restaurant manager understood but could do nothing. The general manager had a glazed look on his face and chanted, “You get time and a half”. I persisted and he dimly asked if I wanted “double time”? Then added “only fancy placed like Atlantic City do that”. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDIGN ME? I did not want double time; I wanted to be paid for a holiday! Not a “holi-half day”! I worked eight hours and was paid for twelve; therefore I received a four-hour benefit. If I had not worked, I would have received an eight-hour benefit. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? In the hospitality business, your best workers handle the busiest shifts. The net result was paying the “B Team” twice as much, as the “A Team”, for doing nothing! This is a strange way to “reward” your staff! I wonder what business school these guys went to?

The dinner shift is over and I am alone in the kitchen cleaning. Is the chef here? It was the General Manager of the “country club”. The chef had just left and I inquire if I can help. The manager wanted the chef to join him in singing “Happy Birthday” to the club president. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?   I didn’t think the signage outside indicated a children’s restaurant, but having been schooled in “hospitality” I quickly phoned the chef’s office in hopes of making this “dream” come true. Tears glistened in my eyes while informing the manager that chef was gone.

The manager left but my curiosity was piqued. I just had to see this for myself! Sure enough, the General Manager and staff were singing in the dining room! Some people know the definition of politician, without a dictionary. Walk the walk and sing the song!

Kitchens require cleaning and a multitude of products are on hand for this purpose. These are usually considered “hazardous materials” and are tracked so they do not come in contact with food. This is all part of the “sanitation” training.

To my surprise, I was stopped by the head of receiving after taking a bottle of grill cleaner. He told me to use the other kind because the brand I had causes cancer! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? A known cancer causing substance is stocked when a safe alternative is also available! This was a first rate operation, why would they do such a thing? It made no sense, but some time later the chef told me the same thing!

It is common for restaurants to offer a daily “special”. The kitchen makes the dish but communication is left to others. One method is to print the special and insert this information in the menu. This method was employed for at least the two years I worked at a particular “club”. Somehow management seemed unable to train anyone but the full time office staff to perform this function. What happens when the regular office staff is off? You run the same specials! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Once I questioned why the part time person did not print the menu and was told, “they only answer the phone”. Really?

Mice are a constant problem in the food industry. This leads to the common practices of keeping all outside doors closed, storing food in sealed plastic containers, traps, and others measures. But I was astonished when I heard of chipmunks running around the dining room. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? There was only one place I have ever encountered this. Later, I discovered that the servers were feeding these critters! Management seemed unaware that “Chip” and “Dale” were invited guests.

A golf club decided to upgrade their facility and install a water sprinkling system throughout the course. Since there were no water fountains, membership wanted water bottles available on the course. The place had two water problems and it seemed both could be remedied with this one installation. Millions were spent so the grass could get a drink. Did the humans get a fountain? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  They continued to buy sixty (60) cases of bottled water per week. Mother Earth loves plastic.

Night vision goggles might be standard issue to Seal Team Six but they are not to “Grill Team Five”. The weekly outside grilling adventure was made more perilous by the lack of light. The coals would glow red, but we could not read the tickets and could barely see the proteins on the grill. When this dilemma was presented to management, we were informed to turn on the spotlight. Inquires were made about the location of this switch but the treasure map was lost. It seemed the only person privy to this knowledge was the head bartender. More correctly, it was the “X” head bartender! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 

While we cooked outside on a grill, the vegetables and potatoes were held in chafing dishes. These chafers held water, which kept the product hot. If the water was not hot the food was not hot. People were complaining about cold food so the next time I started the fire early. Management was upset with the increased fuel consumption and I was told to stop. People continued to complain about food temperatures and management couldn’t understand why! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

“Singing in the rain,
 I’m singing in the rain,

what a wonderful feeling,
 I’m happy again”

Do you remember this song from a movie where a man dances in the street during a rainstorm? This is exactly how I felt every time the bain-marie was emptied. The drainpipe had deteriorated and leaked whenever the steam table was emptied. The water would pool on the kitchen floor and travel along the drainpipe to the floor below. This just happened to be over the main employee exit, so it was not uncommon to splash through puddles on you way home. To solve this dilemma we were instructed to empty the steam table slower! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  If you wanted to avoid flooding, it took two (2) hours to drain the table! This place closed one month per year for renovations but never was able to plug the hole.

It’s a busy day in your restaurant, there is a party on the first floor and the second floor dining room is also busy. How do you serve the unexpected rush of diners? You tell one of the party servers to also serve lunch. The server takes the orders and returns to the party. The food waits. Management then becomes agitated with the server for not serving customers on two different floors at the same time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 

Go Green! It is a great idea to reduce our consumption, reuse and recycle. We exist in a kitchen atmosphere, so we should know better than to have our ideas half-baked. Buying three $100 cans for recycling is a good start, but if your trash company does not take recycling maybe you should do a little more thinking.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

“The difficult we do,

                             The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na sce

Chapter 25: Kidding Me - Kitchen

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                  September 2011

Mike Campbell

ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? (Kitchen)

“There’s a corner;

lets cut it”

Fill a sheet pan with chicken breasts coated in flour, add all the oil BP didn’t capture from The Gulf Of Mexico and toss in the oven. DO NOT turn the chicken over! Add sauce and you have a banquet meal! Do not worry about raw flour being exposed on top of the chicken. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? A manager used this method and would scold his staff for wasting time if they practiced the proper technique.

I am working a two-man line and stare at my motionless partner ten feet away. He is standing at a cutting board, knife in hand. His head is bent slightly forward but nothing moves. This looks ridiculous since he is wearing a nine-inch paper toque. I examine him for a minute, time seems to stop, nothing is happening! Is this man asleep standing up? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? His chin drops to his chest, his head bounces up and he starts cutting. He is an elderly gentleman, working two jobs and sleeps only three to four hours per night. He is sleep deprived and out of necessity develops the skill of sleeping on his feet.

I had seen something like this in culinary school. One guy worked the graveyard shift and attended classes during the day. He would invariably fall asleep in any afternoon lecture class. The major difference being the student was sitting and his head would roll backwards. He was quiet and you would not notice his eyes shut, but when his head started to slide back, you knew the game was on. The next step was snoring. He didn’t always snore, but when he did, it was loud. The neck snapping to full extension was the “wake button” for both!

At one place the Chef, Sous Chef, and one cook handled dinner on the hot side. These three worked every dinner shift. The Chef insisted he was not understaffed! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He would be right if nothing went wrong but this is the restaurant business and something goes wrong every five minutes! He also invested a good amount of time schmoozing the guests. Therefore, he was often “off the line” resulting in a thirty three percent staff reduction. Can anything good happen when a business removes one third of its work force? What happens when someone is sick? If a lunch guy couldn’t work a double, the other two worked harder! Twice as much work for twice as much pay? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This same chef employed only one pantry man. When he was sick a dishwasher did his job!

The Spanish speaking Puerto Rican émigré is teaching me German! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He tells me a German-speaking co-worker at another job is teaching him German and I would be receiving second hand lessons. This man is a dishwasher and starts saying “sonka” every time I hand him a dirty pot. I was clueless about this word's meaning and since he was also teaching me Spanish I did not make the connection to German. After many a blank stare he tells me: “Sonka” means thank you. My Spanish is only slightly better than non-existent, so I had learned something new, or so I thought. Finally, I remember gracias and ask, “Do you mean DANKA? That’s right “SONKA”!

One Sous chef was unable to find the definition of “work” in the dictionary. After all, she was a culinary school graduate and “work” was not one of her classes! She was on hand during the morning and was to ensure that lunch service went smoothly. She understood these instructions did not involve physically doing anything. However, it did involve sitting on a five gallon “E Z” brand pickle barrel in the corner! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? If things got really busy, she would get off her barrel and observe from the end of the line.  Ever after, the standard method of commenting on a person’s lack of effort was to turn over an   “E Z” barrel and offer them a throne.

A customer may request steamed vegetables but they are usually cooked in butter or oil, salt and pepper. How about adding some ink and synthetic rubber? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? One guy would never remove the rubber bands before cooking vegetables, asparagus being the most common. When questioned about this method being sanitary he intoned, “I have been doing this for years”. The water is boiling and that will kill the germs! I thought this was one guy’s bad habit, until years later at another place I heard the Sous Chef scream, “don’t cook the rubber bands”.

One cook had a bad habit of “talking with his hands”. The problem was he also talked this way when holding a knife. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The knife would flash around the air while the holder was oblivious to its danger. When confronted he said, “what? I’m a professional”.

What does an environmentally conscience restaurateur do when fish starts to smell? WASH IT OFF! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! If the fish still smells too bad to serve? MARINATE IT! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?

One club hired a highly regarded Executive Chef to impress the membership. He would explain the ingredients and cooking techniques used on the nightly specials to the servers. The wait staff was mostly college students, with little interest or knowledge of food. Meanwhile, the cooks were working! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The cooks who wanted and could appreciate the skill of the Chef were not included! I will include this technique in my book on INSPIRATION and TEAMBUILDING.

Chicken wings are usually portioned in bags prior to service. All you have to do is get them out of the bag and into the fryer. Most people untie the knot or cut the bag open. One guy held the bag in the grease until the plastic melted and the wings fell in. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He was highly upset when chastised. “I do this all the time”. You know you have an educated palette when you appreciate liquefied plastic!

Sauces are kept warm in hot water during a meal service. Over time the sauce will become thick and some will burn on the sides of the pots. At one place the chef, or sous chef stood in front of the marinara and plated every dinner. They were dumbfounded when customers complained about the burnt tasting marinara! How could that be? They were the only ones who touched the marinara all night. Is it possible that the sauce burnt on to the sides of the pot during service? Did liquid evaporate and the sauce thicken? Could management have ignored this all night? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? They don’t use a double boiler, they don’t add liquid, and they don’t change the pot. They just can’t understand what is wrong!

The chef, of Italian heritage, is then told to use sauce from a can! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? This same person is also fond of telling his Irish-American cook that he uses too much garlic!

Place five pounds of butter in a pot and melt. Did I mention anything about removing the wrappers? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? As I watched a cook do this, he told me “I know lots of tricks”. He would let the wrappers cook with the butter and remove them after the butter had melted! He never did tell me if the customers appreciated the taste of wax paper with their butter.

A cook walks off the line and an order comes in for beef stew. This cook made the stew and had been plating it all night. I fill a bowl and see a layer of grease! I start to remove the fat and get screamed at for removing “flavor”. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

A cook pulls turkey out of the freezer and places them in an oven to cook. Later he wonders why they are dried out and burnt. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That’s right, the meat went directly from the freezer to the oven. The outside of the bird has to be burnt by the time the inside is fully cooked! This became standard procedure since management could not think far enough ahead to ensure that the turkey was thawed before cooking! They then wondered why the meat fell apart when someone tried to make a sandwich!

Golf Clubs usually have a “half way house” to sell snacks to the golfers. One spring day I saw someone unloading last years “half way house” inventory to the main dry storage area. This product was out of date and not fit to be sold. It remained in storage for months. A few weeks later on a hot day, the chef gives me a cold drink. My stomach starts churning and doesn’t settle for hours. I find out I have consumed old inventory. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This stuff was not trashed until a few others got sick.

To those who practice their craft half heartily I quote a culinary school chef:

“GET OUT OF MY PROFESSION”

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

“The difficult we do,

                             The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na sceal