Chapter 11 : Used Car Salesmen

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                     April 2009

Mike Campbell

USED CAR SALESMEN

“This business grows assholes: it’s our principal export.”

Anthony Bourdain – Kitchen Confidential

Page 293

Restaurant owners, managers, and chefs want what they want and they want it now. It doesn’t have to make sense.

ITEM #1

 I once worked at a club with two kitchens, each serving different dining rooms. The main kitchen was closed two days a week while the other was open all week. However, the members always wanted to eat in the main room, since it had easy access to the porch. Management had many options for handling this situation: they could say no, they could move the smaller staff to the main kitchen and serve the casual menu, or the casual menu could be prepared in their kitchen and let the servers walk.  These would have been reasonable options to a difficult situation. So what did management decide? Each week every food item from the small kitchen was moved to the main kitchen. As a result, the casual menu was served from the main kitchen to the main dining room. Two days later everything was moved back! The people who made this decision, were also the ones who whined about payroll costs.

ITEM #2

 One place remodeled the kitchen and replaced everything. The big selling point was the “new” kitchen would be air-conditioned. During construction, someone noticed there were no air ducts in the front of the kitchen. There was one vent in the back over the pot sink. However, a wall separated this area from the front.

All the windows on one side of the kitchen were enclosed, leaving three windows on the opposite side. Only one of these windows had a screen. It was not however, the window that was less than ten feet form the trash dumpster. During the next summer, portable air conditioning units were installed in the front part of the kitchen. Meanwhile, the potwasher was wearing a sweatshirt, since the lone air conditioning vent was blowing directly on his back.

 We were told that “top people” designed this kitchen and we would love working there.

ITEM #3

Once during construction, the exhaust fans were disconnected so a new unit could be installed. No provision was made for the absence of a fan and we were expected to carry on as usual. This kitchen was hot in the best of times, and the lack of exhaust pushed it to the extreme.

The heat was unbearable. Smoke from the grill was everywhere. Frying one hamburger would fill the kitchen with smoke, which would eventually drift into the dining room.

Cleaning the grill at the end of the night was sheer torture. Grease cutter hitting a hot grill produces an immediate cloud of acrid smoke. I have performed this chore many times and I never thought of the smell because the exhaust fans pull the smoke out within a few seconds. Without the exhaust fan it was like mustard gas exploding in a World War I trench. It mushroomed above the grill and then slowly spread throughout the room. You had two choices, be a hero and gag as the smoke attacked your throat or leave the room.

Was management concerned about the well being of their kitchen staff and servers? The only comment I heard was: “don’t let the smoke get into the dining room”. Thus we were taught a golden rule: second hand smoke does not exist in the restaurant business.

After repeated complaints, we were told that the fans were fixed. We still complained, and were looked down on. Then the contractor realized that the fan was installed backwards. We still complained and management was angry. They were doing all they could and we were wrong anyway and their contractors knew what they were doing. Then it was discovered, that the contractor miscalculated the size of the fan that was needed and had installed a unit that was too small for the room.

ITEM #4

One time the kitchen was under construction, there was no air conditioning, no fans and no windows. It was early summer and the temperature for next few days was forecasted to reach the nineties. I asked a manager what was being done so I wouldn’t pass out in the coming days? Somehow I showed that I was not impressed with the number of e-mails he had sent to the contractor and was told: “maybe you should take off your apron and go home”. How did I ever think to question a manager? He was probably invoking the “Divine Right of Kings”. As Shakespeare put it:  “must I be flouted thus, by dunghill grooms?” How dare an underling, do anything but acquiesce to his judgment.

ITEM #5

Most professional kitchen floors are made of square tiles. These are hard surfaces designed for easy cleaning. But titles crack and the grout between them can accumulate grease and grime over time. One place I worked had a bad floor. The floor had sunk in spots, tiles were cracked, and grease had built up. I learned that mosquitoes thrive in such an environment; the greasy floor was the perfect place for them to breed. If this occurred during the summer, it would be understandable, but the flies thrived all winter long. This was the only place where I had to fight flies in February.

ITEM #6

This same place also did not do a very good job of cleaning their soda machines. The sugar is a magnet for fruit flies. Its not a good feeling when you see a cloud circling around a soda machine you want to use.

ITEM #7

This kitchen had doors leading to the dining room, that we would open to lower the temperature. Management insisted that the doors stayed closed. They were not worried about the unbearable heat of the kitchen or customers looking into the kitchen. Management did not want the flies in the dining room.

ITEM #8

While attending culinary school, I was an intern at a small restaurant. I was working the cold side and was responsible for one other guy who was hired after me. I was teaching this person and held accountable for his work. I found out that he was being paid more than me. When I confronted the chef, his first response was that I was an intern and he thought I would be leaving soon. Then he said there should have been an adjustment. I was good enough to teach the job but was not worth as much money as my subordinate.

ITEM #9

I was scheduled to work to eleven o’clock one night. The chef tells me the hood cleaners are coming later so make sure everything is covered. Around ten o’clock the cleaners arrive and want to start. I inform them that they can get on the line when I am done at eleven o’clock. The next day the general manager says: “ I hear you chased the cleaners away last night”.

The chef made my schedule, knew the cleaners were coming, did not tell me to leave early, and somehow I was responsible for the wasted time of the cleaners.

ITEM #10

I took a job that was to have company paid health benefits, after ninety days of employment. It is common practice for companies to pay about 75% to 80% of this benefit. I should have asked this question directly but I did not. After two months, I approached one of the co-owner because I haven’t received any booklets or enrollment forms. I wait. I remind him. I wait. Ninety days is up and I start looking for another job. Then I am told that the company pays 25% of health benefits. After I give notice, another co-owner tells me I look upset and asks why I am leaving.

ITEM #11

A co-owner tells his cook to work the next day but it is his day off and they argue. Finally, the cook agrees to work the next day. Early the next day, he receives a phone call that his services are no longer needed.

How could any reasonable person question any of these decisions?

The stereotypical used car salesman is loud and arrogant, both in dress and demeanor. They are like Machiavelli in a plaid jacket, (plaid jacket, checked pants it all the same). They will say anything to achieve their goals.

 Some of the stories above I have experienced, others were told to me by those who lived them. Used car salesmen are not the only type of restaurant manager, but they are numerous and roam freely in the hospitality industry.  

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

                                             Is tuisce deoch na sceal         

Chapter 10 : Expediter

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                           March 2009

Mike Campbell

LINE DANCING: THE EXPEDITER

DO YOU WANT ME TO STICK A BROOM UP MY ASS AND SWEEP THE FLOOR WHILE I’M AT IT?

A harried line cook screamed this rather pointed question to an expediter during one particularly busy dinner service. The expediter was asking for food and more food and more food and then screamed that it was taking too long. He seemed oblivious to what was going on in front of him; everything was coming out of one station.

Trying to describe the insanity of the line during a busy service is a daunting task. I have already thrice been diverted, “The Line”, “Cook vs. Servers”, and “Skills”, trying to lay the groundwork so those not in the industry can get a feel for what goes on.

You spent two to three hours running around getting ready, now its time for the show to begin. You take a deep breath, say a little prayer that you stay focused and don’t do anything stupid.

NOW YOU ARE READY TO GO, or should be.

Some establishments will control the restaurant seating by time slots. They understand if the customer wants a quality experience, you can’t seat the entire room at the same time.  However, this is not the case everywhere and this is where the fun on the line begins.

The expediter, who is responsible for getting the food out of the kitchen in an orderly fashion, will call each order as it is printed. He starts by getting the cooks attention, saying something like; “ordering”, walking in”, or “order”.  Some expediters will call every single thing on the order, some will call just the main item, and some will only call the table number. The cooks then call back that they heard the order.

When a cook gets an “order” he starts to cook, when he gets a “fire” the dish is finished and put in the window.

 If you’re lucky, everyone on the line has a copy of the order to read. Otherwise, you either share tickets or listen and remember. When sharing tickets, the person with the ticket will now tell his counter-part the order.

Next, the order is “fired” and the cooks talk with each other so all the food arrives in the window at the same time. Not so bad, if you finish one dish and start another. But this is NASCAR not a foot race so rev up those engines!

Don’t forget, servers like to order several tables at once.

Ordering; chicken, filet, and salmon. Ordering; Caesar, cobb, followed by salmon and duck. Ordering; two soups, chicken, and filet. Ordering; one burger and French fries. These are called with no break in between. The cooks are expected to respond to the expediter, read and hang the tickets, and start cooking.

But before you get the food started for those orders, more orders are coming in. So you have to stop what you are doing just to tell the expediter you heard the new order, and since most expediters are management, you can’t tell what you really think.

Wait, tables 1,2, and 3 are all entrees’ but table 4 is an appetizer. Appetizers should go out first, but you haven’t even started 1,2, or 3.

You get the first courses finished, cook the entrees’ and slide them out of the way. Table 1 is fired, you ask another cook, how long on 1? I’m ready, put it up. Orders keep coming and food keeps going out, no problem, but it’s not busy yet.

Seasoned line cooks, respond to the sound of the printer. Heads turn as it clatters. If the sound lasts more than twenty seconds, we groan, it’s a big order. One eight top is worse than two four tops.

Ordering, table 20,21,22,23,24,25. Fire table 15,16, and 17. Table 20 wants peas not carrots. Table 24 wants rice not mashed. Why is 15 not in the window? I need it now!

Sauté, how long on 16? Two minutes, good, I’ll meet you in the window! Ordering; table 26, and 27. Fire 18,19.20, and 21.

The printer is like that battery-powered bunny on the TV commercials. It just keeps on going and going and going. 

You exist in a Zen Moment: you are working in the past, present, and future all at the same time. There are past plates that are waiting to be fired, the present dish is being plated, and the future plates are cooking.

And then it gets really busy.

You may have two to three feet of space on which tickets are hung. This area is covered, the printer hasn’t stopped in two minutes and there is two foot of paper hanging out of the printer with orders that you haven’t even seen yet.

You may be working sauté with six burners, they are all being used, and you have four more set to go. One problem is, you don’t know what else is waiting. Another is, sauté pans are hot, where are you going to put the pans with cooked food until they are fired? And where do you put the dirty empty pans?

Ordering table 40,41,and 42. Fire 33 and 34.

Are these plates hot? Don’t tell me you are putting hot food on a cold plate!

Now you run out of plates and the dish crew acts like they can’t hear you screaming for more.

The line cooks start asking the expo for an “all day”. This is a request for all the items that he should be cooking. They will also ask, “ what’s in the fire”?

 Now, the broiler man runs out of sizzle pans, and the pot washer can’t hear his request for more.

The clean plates arrive and sauté needs clean pans. But the pot washer can’t deliver them because he is busy responding to the urgent pleas for sizzle pans.

Ordering table 50, 51. Fire 45.

This is what restaurant people call “being in the weeds”. You have so much to do; you don’t know what to do. You keep on working, the orders keep coming, and the expo keeps asking for more. Where is your plate? Everything else for this table is ready!

When things go wrong, a manager will scold the cooks for not talking to each other. But the expediter never stops talking and gets angry when the cooks don’t respond to him. The cooks could be conferring about a table when a new order comes in and the expo will start talking, he is only a few feet away, but expects the other to stop because he is talking.

BANG!! What was that? It was the unmistakable sound of dinner plates hitting the floor. A food runner has dropped a tray. Every cook looks up and hopes it was somebody else’s dish. If you were “in the zone” you are now out. Those dishes have to made again right now!

At this point, the general manager stands in the kitchen to see what is going on. He is not going to help, just watch.

I need a medium well filet, “on the fly”. So much for your flow, someone needs that steak as soon as possible! So stop the presses, shift gears and curse. Of course, they couldn’t need a rare filet; they need mid-well which takes twice as long to cook.

Ordering table 55, 56, 57. Fire 50.

When things are going crazy, the expediter will say, just listen to my voice; you don’t have to read the tickets. So, you respond to his voice commands. Meanwhile, there are several feet of paper hanging out of the printer. And then he asks what is going on with the tickets?

CRASH!! What was that? It was the unmistakable sound of glass hitting the floor. A busser has dropped a tray. The cooks stop for just a split second, they don’t have to fix it, so they go back to work.

At the end of the rush, there is always an extra plate and the epxo asks you what table it is for. What table? You are the one who said to listen to you and ignore the tickets. And now you are asking me about the ticket? Remember, the expediter is a manager and you can’t say what you want and still keep your job.

One expediter habit, I never understood, is pressuring the cook to get the food in the window. Give it to me now, I need that plate!  He has all the plates stacked and covered, but there is no one to deliver the food. I have to jump through hoops to get something done just so it can sit in the window. Or he will badger you to hurry up and give him the plate, then tell you it’s not right.

Ordering table 60,61, Fire, 57,58,59.

This can go on for hours; the only good thing is time flies. The mental stress can stymie you. Do not ask yourself how can I do this all at once. Just do it! Finish one thing and move on to the next. And don’t forget, you do not have time to go to the bathroom.

Fire 88, 89, 90,91,92! Everything is in the fire!

Towards the end of the night, these words are good news. Even though, it means you have a lot to do right away, it also means things are coming to a close. One last push and the worst is over. You might hear the expediter say “fire the board” or “clear the board”. A few minutes later he may say:” the board is clear” or “stainless”. This means there are no more tickets hanging; all you can see is the stainless steel of the window.

You are sweating, tired, and in dire need of emptying your bladder. But you can’t go home yet. YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP!

And don’t forget, there is always one table that is seated just minutes before you are scheduled to close!

What remains from your nights prep must be wrapped, dated, labeled and put away. Then you get to wash down you station, peel off your sweaty undergarments, and walk into the cold night air.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go,

into THE CAULDRON!

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 9 : Skills

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                          March 2009

Mike Campbell

LINE DANCING: SKILLS

        

Professional cooking is a ZERO TOLERANCE game. You may have produced one hundred meals during the service but if you get one complaint your night is shot. Everyone will know and abuse you about the mistake. No one will mention that ninety-nine plates were done correctly!  After all isn’t that what you are supposed to do?

People have a tendency to eat at the same time. Dinner service may start at five o’clock, but most customers are going to sit between seven thirty and nine thirty. Therefore, your two hundred covers are not evenly spread over four or five hours they are mostly jammed into two hours. How a cook handles this “rush” or “hit” determines his survival on the line.

The ability to handle the line is a different set of skills than the ability to cook. Everyone working the line can cook, but not every cook can handle the line. The best line cooks embrace the pressure, they just love it. They would rather be busy than standing around. In the television world, TOP CHEF is about cooking and HELL’S KITCHEN is about working the line.

You have to be able to perform under pressure, do the job correctly, do it over and over, and do it extremely fast. The ability to multi –task is essential. If you are too wrapped up with the plate in front of you, it is extremely easy to burn or overcook the next dish that is behind you.

Meanwhile back in the jungle, the expediter is still calling new orders and firing tables.

I don’t think that most people know what a professional kitchen looks like during a busy service. People are ordering food, tables are being “fired”, cooks are conferring, expediters are hollering for food runners, servers want special items, and the VIP wants his food now. It can present a confusing picture. The line cook must focus to prevent the whole thing from falling apart.

 Most people would be shocked to see how few cooks actually prepare their meals. Two hundred covers are usually produced by five or less line cooks.

And there is the space issue; line cooks operate within a few square feet. We do a lot of spinning and turning not a lot of walking! Not only must you be aware of the placements of your own hot objects and sharp knives, but you also have to know where the bodies next to you are and where their hot and sharp tools are. It is unbelievable the number of times that two people need to be in the exact same spot at the exact same time.

 One time I bent over to extract something from the lowboy refrigerator and when I came up, my head hit the bottom of a plate. The guy next to me was reaching over to get a dish in the window but I stood up sooner than he expected.  And who designed these things anyway? They are usually stuffed with items to get us through the night. In order to reach the back you have to fling the door open and get on your knee. This is a waste of time, uncomfortable and not real safe.  And you always hear the snide remark; “would you mind, while you’re down there?” I often think this must be how sailors in a submarine work, hot sweaty bodies working in a confined area with no fresh air.

Meanwhile back in the jungle, the expediter is still calling new orders and firing tables.

When you know it’s going to be a busy night, you start out on the run. You hurry to get your “mise en place”, or prep done. You want your station stocked; you do not want to go off the line during service. This includes bathroom breaks; usually your bodily functions are calling when you are the busiest. As a fellow line cook remarked to me once, “ you know how it is, I’ve held it so long I forgot I had to go”.

The “main dining room” may be closed before dinner but in many places, the bar and or room service is still serving food. At the same time, the cooks must prepare the “staff” or “family” meal, so everyone else can eat.

WAIT, did I mention anything about the cooks eating? NO! Rarely do you see a cook sitting down with the front of the house staff to eat. We are under time constraints; we have to GET ER DONE! When five o’clock rolls around, the customers do no care whether we are fed or not It is common, on busy nights, for the cooks to eat standing up shoving something into their mouths, or not eating at all or grabbing something quick at the end of the night.  This practice does nothing for your health or digestion. You learn very quickly that cooks do not drink out of cups, WE USE PITHCERS!

In summary, before a cook starts service and at the same time, he is    (1) prepping for the night (2) cooking bar food (3) feeding the staff.

At this point you feel drained, but the main event hasn’t even started!

Meanwhile back in the jungle, the expediter is waiting to call new orders and fire tables.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!        

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 8 : Cook vs Servers

LINE DANCING:

COOKS vs SERVERS - ROUND ONE

Hot food, hot plate: cold food, cold plate

Ding , ding,  ding!

Introducing the principals for tonight's contest; in this corner, the young, the svelte, the smiling, THE SERVERS. In that corner, the middle-aged, the rotund, the cranky, THE COOKS.

Lets get ready to rummmmmbullllllllllll

These two groups are like Ali and Fraser, they need each other to put on the show. Like Ali, the servers are on their toes dancing from place to place, while “Smokin Joe” is taking the punishment.

Even the description of their workplaces set them apart. Servers are “FRONT OF THE HOUSE”. They get to move from dining room to dining room and mingle with the guests. The cooks are “BACK OF THE HOUSE”. They work their station,“behind the line”, in close quarters enduring the most environmentally unfriendly room in the house. If they get to leave this area, they usually travel in the bowels of the building heading to “dry storage”.

Servers may work, in the main dining room, the porch, outside with tables and umbrellas, the sports bar, or some other room with a name. Cooks get to work “THE LINE”. Its like we’re part of a Johnny Cash song.

It has become politically correct to call these people servers and not waiters or waitresses. The relationship between servers and cooks is like a marriage. We spend long hours together, generally enjoy each others company, and talk. Talking however, does not always mean communicating. When a dispute occurs, the other is always wrong. 

A large difference between these two groups, is that servers have to deal with the public and cooks don’t. Servers work in front of the guests and have to be diplomatic. Cooks work in front of an oven and curse.

These close working conditions foster a love-hate relationship. As it was explained to me; “that's why we love to hate them”.

On to service.

Servers will take a an order, key it into the computer, the cooks prepare the food, the expediter trays up the order, and a food runner or server will deliver it to the customer. If there is no expediter, the food sits until the server arrives. This process works just fine until things get busy

A very common practice among servers is to take orders from several tables and send them to the kitchen at the same time. As a result, most of the food is ready at the same time but the server can’t deliver it promptly. The cooks do not want to prepare the same meal twice and they are soon screaming, “ there is food dying in the window”. And you can be sure when that server explains the delay to the customer, It was the kitchen’s fault. 

The above situation usually results in a shouting match. The cooks screaming to get the food out of the window and the server bitching that the cooks should know better than to put everything up at once.

Another fun time, without expediters, is when servers take food without a ticket. There is a lot of the same food going out during a meal service, and it is not uncommon for several plates of the same item to be sitting in the window. A good server knows it takes time to cook something and will wait several minutes before coming to the kitchen to get their order. A less talented server, goes to the kitchen right away and takes whatever is waiting. How their food was prepared in a blink of an eye never crosses their mind.

Some of my favorite server stunts are; ordering items not on the menu, multiple order tickets for the same table number, ordering meat cooked medium to rare, firing a table that has not ordered, ordering Sunday’s nightly special on Wednesday, and telling a server to 86 an item and later receiving five more orders. What were they thinking?

It may seem that the cooks are at the mercy of the servers, but we will retaliate. The number one method is the hot plate, see the opening of this chapter. All culinary schools and chefs drill into their cooks that hot food should be served on a hot plate. This prevents the food from cooling before it gets to the customer.

All cooks spend their days handling hot material. As a result our hands become hard and callused. Therefore, we can hold hot objects much longer than most other people. And we use this to our advantage.

If a server has annoyed a cook, the classic response is to overheat the plates on their next order. Restaurant food plates are heavy, and servers are used to gripping them hard. An unsuspecting person can get a good burn from a plate.

The cooks will wait for the offending server to see their reaction. How long will they hold the plate and how loud will they curse? All the while, the cook is keeping a straight face and may not even be looking directly at the server. But the best part is seeing if the servers touches the second plate before grabbing a towel.

Of course, they catch on at some point and start yelling that we did that on purpose. Our first response is to pick up the plate and hold it, with desensitized hands, and say “this plates not hot!’. We then look them in the eye and chant; “HOT FOOD, HOT PLATE”.

Ding, ding, ding!

That's the end of Round One.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 7 : The Line

THE LINE

(Prerequisite for LINE DANCING)

A professional kitchen is made up of three main areas; 

(1) the hot side

(2) the cold side

(3) the dish area 

(a) the dish machine

(b) pot washing

The hot and cold sides are where the described food is prepared. Cooks man these areas. They will usually be wearing white jackets, crazy looking pants, headgear, and linen aprons. The dish crew may be wearing the same checked pants as the cooks, but will have short sleeved shirts, no headgear, and plastic aprons.

The area where food is prepared is called THE LINE. No one but a cook has a passport to enter BEHIND THE LINE. This is a dangerous area where open flames, sharp knives, steam, boiling cauldrons, and ill-tempered culinarians roam. If you happen to be walking in a kitchen and the hard floor turns suddenly to soft rubber: STOP! Foreigners are not allowed here, no front of house managers, no waitresses, no guests. Dishwashers can get a very short-lived working visa, if they are delivering clean supplies.

THE LINE is a mass of stainless steel, consisting of two rows with a few feet between them where the cooks work; the picture on the cover will give you an idea. The front will hold all the items needed for that days service such as sauces, vegetables, and garnish. The rear is your heat sources; ovens, fryers, broilers, steamers and the like. The front of THE LINE is a working area about waist high topped by two shelves. The first shelf, or window. holds prepared food and the second, higher shelf, holds plates. DO NOT THINK OF HELL’S KITCHEN, this TV kitchen is too open, too spacious, and does not have a window.

In a real, American, kitchen, if a cook wants to see anybody on the other side of THE LINE, they have to bend and peer through “THE WINDOW”. At one place I worked, the condiment station was directly in front of “the window”. Servers, who all wore the same dark uniform, were constantly bending over to reach product or get backups from the lowboy refrigerator. The top shelf was usually stacked with dishes, so your vision, if you stood erect was limited. We could see through “the window” if you glanced downward. Over time, WE COULD IDENTIFY EACH WAITRESS BY HER BACKSIDE!

Of course, this rather intimate knowledge leads to some lewd and hurtful comments. One girl was wearing pants tight enough, that the material was constantly stuck between her butt checks. When she did something that aggravated one guy, he responded; “your butt must be hungry. What?  Your ass is eating your pants!”

The HOT SIDE is where hot food is cooked. This would seem obvious, but it also has a second meaning, ITS ’HOT!!! Broilers are on constantly, fryers are on constantly, ovens are on constantly, salamanders are on constantly, and the open flames of gas range tops are usually left on at full blast during service. You will sweat no matter what time of year it is, regardless of the temperature outside.

The COLD SIDE usually referred to as “the pantry” or “the salad station” is set up much the same. The front holds refrigeration units and the back usually contains more refrigeration or work tables.

The DISH ROOM, usually separated from THE LINE, is stacked with dishes, glasses, pots, pans, and every kind of imaginable kitchen device. This area is also generally hot, since steam is continually emitted from the end of the machine.

The noise level in each kitchen is different. Restaurants are usually the loudest and the most bawdy while the corporate world tones things down. Some allow radios, others have radios but not during service, some have banter between servers and cooks while in others its strictly business. Don’t be fooled by places with “open kitchens”, the staff knows they can be seen by the guests and act accordingly. As a general rule, the more talented the Executive Chef, the quieter he wants his kitchen.

Even though there are many women in the kitchen, it is still largely a male domain. It’s inhabitants tend to be abusive, sarcastic, egotistical, and authoritarian.

Women need strength to survive in the kitchen, mental is much more important than physical. Crying hysterics will not be tolerated, while cursing is almost required. Women need to model themselves after the ancient Iceni Queen Boudicca not Cleopatra. After she was publicly flogged and her daughters raped by the Romans, Boudicca fought back. She raised an army, sacked three cities and defeated a Roman legion. She did not grab her asp and die.

THIS IS NOT AN OFFICE ENVIRONMENT, IT’S A ROUGH PLACE TO WORK!

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!




                                                                                    Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 6 : Sled Dogs

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                    February 2009

Mike Campbell

SLED DOG DAYS OF WINTER

The New Year is here and “THE HOLIDAYS” have past.  The six-week adrenaline rush is over, and you body is spent. If you were in the military you would be sent somewhere to recover from “combat fatigue”. The military also would have issued “combat pay” but you are not in the military.

  You missed the parties, or attended and paid a terrible price. There had been only time for work and inadequate sleep. Now the 9 to 5 world is back to work and you have excess time on your hands Beware Mr. and Ms. Hospitality worker; the “Sled Dog Days Of Winter” are upon you.

The beginning of a year brings bitter cold, howling winds, and a lot less sunshine. At this time of year the hospitality industry is dead. You should relax and enjoy the calm, but a body that has been on the go for so long, has a hard time slowing down. Your body is exhausted, but your mind still races. To paraphrase one of the laws of physics: a body at rest tends to stay at rest and a body in motion tends to stay in motion.

There are no holidays or big events on the horizon and Valentine’s Day is just a speed bump along the way to Easter Sunday.

Your workdays begin to drag. After four hours on the job it feels like you have been there a week, lethargy becomes your middle name. You repeatedly look at the clock and it never seems to move. Since Thanksgiving, you have cursed every time you looked at the clock. You retain this habit, but with a difference. Before the clock said: hurry up, andarlay, andarlay, arriba, ariba, that party is here or that table is fired. Now the clock just taunts you: your shifts not over, your shifts not over, you have to stay here!

Everything becomes a burden. You shuffle through you tasks. You are bored and don’t want to do a thing.  Every order aggravates you, because now you have to do something.

The past six weeks were spent on a natural adrenaline high, now you go searching for artificial stimulants. Caffeine and energy drinks abound. There’s a good chance you will not really wake up until the warmth and sunshine of spring arrive.

Of course any chef worth his salt, won’t let this happen. They can always do something to piss you off. Anger is like a good sugar rush. Instantly, your blood boils and your body comes to life. You spew venom, stomp around, and may even bang things like an angry gorilla.

The most common and initial mood altering devises in a chef’s arsenal deals with cleaning and leaving.

Every chef will chant; ”if you got time to lean, you got time to clean”. Kitchen equipment is made of stainless steel so it is easy to clean. Everything that is easily reached is cleaned daily. However, there are lots of spaces that are not easily reached and these areas suffer during busy service times. Getting after these areas is usually termed  “DEEP CLEANING”.

You must move everything and clean where it used to be. Remove plates on high shelves and clean, pull out refrigeration drawers and clean, the refrigerator gaskets must be cleaned, the grease collected on the wall behind the fryer must be cleaned, grease bubbles must be cleaned from the exhaust cowling above you head, the protective light bulb covers over the line have to be cleaned, under the toaster, under the microwave, under the flattop, scrape any burnt on residue on the range tops, in short everything is to be cleaned. Oh, did I mention the walls, the wire racks that hold dishes, pots and pans? You get the idea. It’s a dirty job and Mike Rowe is not here to do it!

This is also the time that management starts to watch their labor costs. The holiday banquet functions are big profit items and overtime is not a concern. This attitude is discarded, however, once January first is over.

All restaurant managers seem to think that an employee earns their pay only when they are on overdrive. The staff has just put in tons of extra hours, over a long period of time, and helped the owners earn elephant bucks. Is the staff given a little down time as a reward? Not usually.

Some places will send staff home early if they are slow. They start to practice “FIFO”: “first in, first out”, or the quiz game “Who Wants To Go Home?

The most common methods to avoid being sent home are (1) do something (2) look like you are doing something (3) not be seen.

 It is vitally important that everyone practice these methods. Nothing gets a managers attention like a group of staff talking loudly and standing around in a “union meeting”.

And there is another added benefit, from this time of year. Your hands get destroyed. During your scrubbing, you undoubtedly will jam you hand on something hard, bruises and jammed fingers abound. Wet skin also tears quite easily.

All the wetness, outdoor cold and dry indoor heat will turn the skin on your hands into dry scalely claws. Your skin is so dry that normal movements will crack it. The cracks are small, usually around the knuckles, and will bleed slightly. I generally don’t notice until I see the small red lines of dried blood on my hands.

You will be applying lotion for weeks. The skin will heal on two days off but will crack again before the workweek is up. And you stop laughing at the idea of using “udder cream”. There are several brands, all sold at local department stores and pharmacies. That’s right, cream developed for use on a cow’s udders works wonders on your hands

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go

Into THE CAULDRON

Is tuisce deoch na sceal