Chapter 26: Kidding Me - Management

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                   November 2011

Mike Campbell

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (Management)

THEATRE  OF  THE  ABSURD…

(Culinarians),“humanity had to resign itself to recognizing that a fully satisfying rational explanation of its universe” (hospitality industry) “was beyond its reach”.

Once upon a time, a new employer informed me I would be paid “time and a half” for holidays. I thought this was a great benefit! Most American businesses will pay you for the day, commonly eight hours, but this place was giving me “time and a half”! I was one happy cookie and patted myself on the back for joining this company. Imagine my surprise, when I was paid twelve hours for working a holiday.

 I was expecting to be paid eight hours for the time I worked and eight hours for the “holiday”. The chef told me he didn’t know how holiday pay worked, since he was salary and it did not apply to him! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The restaurant manager understood but could do nothing. The general manager had a glazed look on his face and chanted, “You get time and a half”. I persisted and he dimly asked if I wanted “double time”? Then added “only fancy placed like Atlantic City do that”. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDIGN ME? I did not want double time; I wanted to be paid for a holiday! Not a “holi-half day”! I worked eight hours and was paid for twelve; therefore I received a four-hour benefit. If I had not worked, I would have received an eight-hour benefit. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? In the hospitality business, your best workers handle the busiest shifts. The net result was paying the “B Team” twice as much, as the “A Team”, for doing nothing! This is a strange way to “reward” your staff! I wonder what business school these guys went to?

The dinner shift is over and I am alone in the kitchen cleaning. Is the chef here? It was the General Manager of the “country club”. The chef had just left and I inquire if I can help. The manager wanted the chef to join him in singing “Happy Birthday” to the club president. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?   I didn’t think the signage outside indicated a children’s restaurant, but having been schooled in “hospitality” I quickly phoned the chef’s office in hopes of making this “dream” come true. Tears glistened in my eyes while informing the manager that chef was gone.

The manager left but my curiosity was piqued. I just had to see this for myself! Sure enough, the General Manager and staff were singing in the dining room! Some people know the definition of politician, without a dictionary. Walk the walk and sing the song!

Kitchens require cleaning and a multitude of products are on hand for this purpose. These are usually considered “hazardous materials” and are tracked so they do not come in contact with food. This is all part of the “sanitation” training.

To my surprise, I was stopped by the head of receiving after taking a bottle of grill cleaner. He told me to use the other kind because the brand I had causes cancer! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? A known cancer causing substance is stocked when a safe alternative is also available! This was a first rate operation, why would they do such a thing? It made no sense, but some time later the chef told me the same thing!

It is common for restaurants to offer a daily “special”. The kitchen makes the dish but communication is left to others. One method is to print the special and insert this information in the menu. This method was employed for at least the two years I worked at a particular “club”. Somehow management seemed unable to train anyone but the full time office staff to perform this function. What happens when the regular office staff is off? You run the same specials! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Once I questioned why the part time person did not print the menu and was told, “they only answer the phone”. Really?

Mice are a constant problem in the food industry. This leads to the common practices of keeping all outside doors closed, storing food in sealed plastic containers, traps, and others measures. But I was astonished when I heard of chipmunks running around the dining room. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? There was only one place I have ever encountered this. Later, I discovered that the servers were feeding these critters! Management seemed unaware that “Chip” and “Dale” were invited guests.

A golf club decided to upgrade their facility and install a water sprinkling system throughout the course. Since there were no water fountains, membership wanted water bottles available on the course. The place had two water problems and it seemed both could be remedied with this one installation. Millions were spent so the grass could get a drink. Did the humans get a fountain? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  They continued to buy sixty (60) cases of bottled water per week. Mother Earth loves plastic.

Night vision goggles might be standard issue to Seal Team Six but they are not to “Grill Team Five”. The weekly outside grilling adventure was made more perilous by the lack of light. The coals would glow red, but we could not read the tickets and could barely see the proteins on the grill. When this dilemma was presented to management, we were informed to turn on the spotlight. Inquires were made about the location of this switch but the treasure map was lost. It seemed the only person privy to this knowledge was the head bartender. More correctly, it was the “X” head bartender! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 

While we cooked outside on a grill, the vegetables and potatoes were held in chafing dishes. These chafers held water, which kept the product hot. If the water was not hot the food was not hot. People were complaining about cold food so the next time I started the fire early. Management was upset with the increased fuel consumption and I was told to stop. People continued to complain about food temperatures and management couldn’t understand why! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

“Singing in the rain,
 I’m singing in the rain,

what a wonderful feeling,
 I’m happy again”

Do you remember this song from a movie where a man dances in the street during a rainstorm? This is exactly how I felt every time the bain-marie was emptied. The drainpipe had deteriorated and leaked whenever the steam table was emptied. The water would pool on the kitchen floor and travel along the drainpipe to the floor below. This just happened to be over the main employee exit, so it was not uncommon to splash through puddles on you way home. To solve this dilemma we were instructed to empty the steam table slower! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  If you wanted to avoid flooding, it took two (2) hours to drain the table! This place closed one month per year for renovations but never was able to plug the hole.

It’s a busy day in your restaurant, there is a party on the first floor and the second floor dining room is also busy. How do you serve the unexpected rush of diners? You tell one of the party servers to also serve lunch. The server takes the orders and returns to the party. The food waits. Management then becomes agitated with the server for not serving customers on two different floors at the same time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 

Go Green! It is a great idea to reduce our consumption, reuse and recycle. We exist in a kitchen atmosphere, so we should know better than to have our ideas half-baked. Buying three $100 cans for recycling is a good start, but if your trash company does not take recycling maybe you should do a little more thinking.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

“The difficult we do,

                             The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na sce

Chapter 25: Kidding Me - Kitchen

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                  September 2011

Mike Campbell

ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? (Kitchen)

“There’s a corner;

lets cut it”

Fill a sheet pan with chicken breasts coated in flour, add all the oil BP didn’t capture from The Gulf Of Mexico and toss in the oven. DO NOT turn the chicken over! Add sauce and you have a banquet meal! Do not worry about raw flour being exposed on top of the chicken. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? A manager used this method and would scold his staff for wasting time if they practiced the proper technique.

I am working a two-man line and stare at my motionless partner ten feet away. He is standing at a cutting board, knife in hand. His head is bent slightly forward but nothing moves. This looks ridiculous since he is wearing a nine-inch paper toque. I examine him for a minute, time seems to stop, nothing is happening! Is this man asleep standing up? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? His chin drops to his chest, his head bounces up and he starts cutting. He is an elderly gentleman, working two jobs and sleeps only three to four hours per night. He is sleep deprived and out of necessity develops the skill of sleeping on his feet.

I had seen something like this in culinary school. One guy worked the graveyard shift and attended classes during the day. He would invariably fall asleep in any afternoon lecture class. The major difference being the student was sitting and his head would roll backwards. He was quiet and you would not notice his eyes shut, but when his head started to slide back, you knew the game was on. The next step was snoring. He didn’t always snore, but when he did, it was loud. The neck snapping to full extension was the “wake button” for both!

At one place the Chef, Sous Chef, and one cook handled dinner on the hot side. These three worked every dinner shift. The Chef insisted he was not understaffed! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He would be right if nothing went wrong but this is the restaurant business and something goes wrong every five minutes! He also invested a good amount of time schmoozing the guests. Therefore, he was often “off the line” resulting in a thirty three percent staff reduction. Can anything good happen when a business removes one third of its work force? What happens when someone is sick? If a lunch guy couldn’t work a double, the other two worked harder! Twice as much work for twice as much pay? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This same chef employed only one pantry man. When he was sick a dishwasher did his job!

The Spanish speaking Puerto Rican émigré is teaching me German! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He tells me a German-speaking co-worker at another job is teaching him German and I would be receiving second hand lessons. This man is a dishwasher and starts saying “sonka” every time I hand him a dirty pot. I was clueless about this word's meaning and since he was also teaching me Spanish I did not make the connection to German. After many a blank stare he tells me: “Sonka” means thank you. My Spanish is only slightly better than non-existent, so I had learned something new, or so I thought. Finally, I remember gracias and ask, “Do you mean DANKA? That’s right “SONKA”!

One Sous chef was unable to find the definition of “work” in the dictionary. After all, she was a culinary school graduate and “work” was not one of her classes! She was on hand during the morning and was to ensure that lunch service went smoothly. She understood these instructions did not involve physically doing anything. However, it did involve sitting on a five gallon “E Z” brand pickle barrel in the corner! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? If things got really busy, she would get off her barrel and observe from the end of the line.  Ever after, the standard method of commenting on a person’s lack of effort was to turn over an   “E Z” barrel and offer them a throne.

A customer may request steamed vegetables but they are usually cooked in butter or oil, salt and pepper. How about adding some ink and synthetic rubber? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? One guy would never remove the rubber bands before cooking vegetables, asparagus being the most common. When questioned about this method being sanitary he intoned, “I have been doing this for years”. The water is boiling and that will kill the germs! I thought this was one guy’s bad habit, until years later at another place I heard the Sous Chef scream, “don’t cook the rubber bands”.

One cook had a bad habit of “talking with his hands”. The problem was he also talked this way when holding a knife. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The knife would flash around the air while the holder was oblivious to its danger. When confronted he said, “what? I’m a professional”.

What does an environmentally conscience restaurateur do when fish starts to smell? WASH IT OFF! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! If the fish still smells too bad to serve? MARINATE IT! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?

One club hired a highly regarded Executive Chef to impress the membership. He would explain the ingredients and cooking techniques used on the nightly specials to the servers. The wait staff was mostly college students, with little interest or knowledge of food. Meanwhile, the cooks were working! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The cooks who wanted and could appreciate the skill of the Chef were not included! I will include this technique in my book on INSPIRATION and TEAMBUILDING.

Chicken wings are usually portioned in bags prior to service. All you have to do is get them out of the bag and into the fryer. Most people untie the knot or cut the bag open. One guy held the bag in the grease until the plastic melted and the wings fell in. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He was highly upset when chastised. “I do this all the time”. You know you have an educated palette when you appreciate liquefied plastic!

Sauces are kept warm in hot water during a meal service. Over time the sauce will become thick and some will burn on the sides of the pots. At one place the chef, or sous chef stood in front of the marinara and plated every dinner. They were dumbfounded when customers complained about the burnt tasting marinara! How could that be? They were the only ones who touched the marinara all night. Is it possible that the sauce burnt on to the sides of the pot during service? Did liquid evaporate and the sauce thicken? Could management have ignored this all night? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? They don’t use a double boiler, they don’t add liquid, and they don’t change the pot. They just can’t understand what is wrong!

The chef, of Italian heritage, is then told to use sauce from a can! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? This same person is also fond of telling his Irish-American cook that he uses too much garlic!

Place five pounds of butter in a pot and melt. Did I mention anything about removing the wrappers? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? As I watched a cook do this, he told me “I know lots of tricks”. He would let the wrappers cook with the butter and remove them after the butter had melted! He never did tell me if the customers appreciated the taste of wax paper with their butter.

A cook walks off the line and an order comes in for beef stew. This cook made the stew and had been plating it all night. I fill a bowl and see a layer of grease! I start to remove the fat and get screamed at for removing “flavor”. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

A cook pulls turkey out of the freezer and places them in an oven to cook. Later he wonders why they are dried out and burnt. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That’s right, the meat went directly from the freezer to the oven. The outside of the bird has to be burnt by the time the inside is fully cooked! This became standard procedure since management could not think far enough ahead to ensure that the turkey was thawed before cooking! They then wondered why the meat fell apart when someone tried to make a sandwich!

Golf Clubs usually have a “half way house” to sell snacks to the golfers. One spring day I saw someone unloading last years “half way house” inventory to the main dry storage area. This product was out of date and not fit to be sold. It remained in storage for months. A few weeks later on a hot day, the chef gives me a cold drink. My stomach starts churning and doesn’t settle for hours. I find out I have consumed old inventory. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This stuff was not trashed until a few others got sick.

To those who practice their craft half heartily I quote a culinary school chef:

“GET OUT OF MY PROFESSION”

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

“The difficult we do,

                             The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 24: A Funny Thing Happened

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                       August 2011

Mike Campbell

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE KITCHEN

Pressure makes people do silly things. Heat and stress can cause the body and mind to go numb. Screaming and cussing are the usual outlets in the kitchen, BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN THE COMEDY GODS VISIT!

“Standard breading procedure” is a common technique used in cooking. An item is coated in flour, then egg, and then breadcrumbs, before cooking.  Fried chicken is an example. Coating a human is not “standard procedure” but it can be done.

The required raw materials are all readily available in a commercial kitchen: flour, egg, breadcrumbs, humans, and someone with a fried brain willing to participate in nonsense while the manager is not in close proximity.

As some of the participants related to me, towards the end of a long night the boys were restless and began searching for their release valve. The sauté guy looked at his work area, noticed he had just dumped the breading station in a large trashcan and mused; all I need is protein! Aha, an unsuspecting female lurking in the pantry.

“everyone on the post looking for these blighters,

and I reconnoiter adroitly and encounter them.”

Sgt. Archibald Cutter (Cary Grant)

Gunga Din (movie)

The flunkies spring into action. They grab the girl and start dipping her feet first, into the mix. Voila, she is ready for frying!

As I have intimated in previous chapters, if you are to survive in the kitchen you can’t just accept this treatment. THERE MUST BE RETRIBUTION. Like a lioness on the hunt, she watched and waited.

 The raw fish was stored in the drawers of a cabinet. Proper fish storage requires the product to be iced and refrigerated at all times. The fish sits in a perforated liner above a drip pan, which collected the melting ice. This fish water is nasty and had to be emptied daily. It is not intended to be a cleansing liquid.

ATTACK! The aggrieved female douses the sauté guy with the fish water.

Sometimes these antics have unintended consequences. When flour is dumped on someone, they can shake themselves off and go home to shower. But this is where the fun and true retaliation begin. A mixture of flour and water is dough! The recipient thus becomes a “Human Wellington” long before he is clean.

An ex-coworker of mine instituted a farewell ceremony of smashing a whipped cream pie in the face of people transitioning to other employment. We discovered this when he decorated a restaurant manager on his last day of work. So when I gave my two-week notice, my guard was on high alert!

Finally, it is the last day of this job and I have not yet had my pie. I spend the first part of this day looking for “Charlie” and grow weary of the constant effort. So I decide I will attack first! I prepare a pie and stalk!

This kitchen was a long narrow room with a wall running its length dividing the hot line from the dish room. There were narrow walkways on either side. If I could catch “Charlie” in one of these walkways, he would have nowhere to hide. I set this plan in motion and missed several opportunities before “The Good Lord” smiled on me.

“Charlie” was in the dish room, I grabbed my pie and moved to the front, next to one of the walkways. Would he choose this one? YES! If I peeked around the corner to line up my shot I would be seen. I had to hope for blind luck. I listened, I waited, my prey was on its way. I stuck my arm out, pie in hand, at shoulder height. SPLAT! It was perfect! I hit him dead center in the face and caught him completely by surprises! It was so good he fell on the floor screaming!

He dropped what he was carrying and flopped on the floor like a harpooned whale! Whipped cream was everywhere, his face, his jacket, and the floor. All the while he moaned “nobody gets Charlie”, “nobody gets Charlie”. The staff was beside themselves with laughter. It was worth the cleanup, seeing "Charlie’s" face covered and watching him wipe the cream out of his eyes. Years later and I can still hear him whining, “ nobody gets Charlie, I get them”. Not this night!

Most Chefs do not want nonsense occurring in their kitchens, so it was nice to see one participate. I was working in a small restaurant and space was limited. The only freezer was a double door “reach in” about three feet deep. There were only a few shelves so it was not uncommon to spend time on your knees hunting for inventory. Your head and shoulders would be in the freezer and your backside would be in the hallway.

One day the Chef turned the corner to find a young and rather large cook in this position. Chefs are creative and constantly worry that product is spoiling while staff ponder their next move. What to do? He placed his foot on the meaty portion of checked pants and applied aggressive pressure. Before the screaming began, he almost had the door slammed shut. He mused, two hundred and fifty pounds of free frozen meat! What more could a cost conscience manager want?

“Music soothes the savage beast”, so says an old proverb, and long hours and extreme heat can turn your brain to mush. These two ships often collide in the kitchen, resulting in behavior that would seem peculiar anywhere else.

A solitary man stands at his dish machine and sings loudly and badly to pass the time. He usually sings the old disco song “At The Carwash”. Of course, he changes the words to “At The Dishwash”. Over time this gets old so his minds wanders. There is a large metal “stand fan” in his dish room. Sound waves bounce off solid objects, so he experiments. Singing straight in to the fan blades has little effect; it doesn’t matter if you are in front or behind. But if you are just a little off center, magic. Reverb has been rediscovered. Its almost Elvis, but this man is an R&B fan. Billy Paul’s “Me and Mrs. Jones” is the answer!

A less than ordinary voice has been transformed into radio perfection! “The Fan Man” has been born and his lilting tones lead to another adventure.

“The Fan Man” worked at a hotel that offered karaoke on the weekends. These events were not well attended and the DJ’s were always looking for some way to charge up the crowd. Enter “The Fan Man”.

Just singing would not do! “The Fan Man” was an admirer of James Brown and he had to enter as James Brown. We did not have a red cape, but we did have red table clothes. Two cooks would drape a tablecloth over his head and lead him through the dining room and bar on to the stage. He would kneel down and the cooks would remove the “cape”. Then he would sing James Brown. The crowd loved it!

The DJ’s wanted him every week. Soon “The Fan Man” added a pair of sunglasses, bobbed from side to side and sang Stevie Wonder songs. We were never able to get the fan on stage but James Brown and Stevie Wonder were enough to keep the managers shaking their heads and the rest of us happy.

Have you ever wondered what to do with brownies? The obvious answer is to eat them but they are capable of multi tasking. Put one in your hand, add a little water and squeeze. Now place them gently on the floor around your work area. A gullible person and a knowing crowd are now required. The crowd must stay quiet waiting for their “mark” to shout:

IS THAT A TURD?

The similarity is remarkable.

With ample food and open back doors, it has been known for mice to enter restaurants. They are not marathon runners; they dart from hiding place to hiding place. They are usually noticed from the corner of your eye, as dark movement that is not there when you try to find it. How do you make use of this knowledge? Abuse an unsuspecting co-worker, of course!

A jumpy person and an avocado are your tools. Avocados have large dark colored pits, remove the pit and wait. When your “mark” is looking away, roll the pit along the floor in his general direction. When the shadow crosses his line of sight, he will jump and maybe even shout! Its great fun!

“A little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest people”.

Reminisce Magazine

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

“The difficult we do,

                             The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 23: A Wiseman Once Said

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                        May 2011
Mike Campbell

A WISEMAN ONCE SAID

I am Sir Oracle,

And when I obe my lips, let no dog bark!

William Shakespeare

The Merchant Of Venice

It is unusual for a cook to wax philosophical, but when it happens, listen.

“I SMELL SOMETHING BURNING……,

SEETHING NEGITIVITY!”

*.*.

A comment on the less than happy working atmosphere.

“I HAVE ANAL MYOPEA”

A TRADITIONAL KITCHEN PROVERB

I can’t see my ass going to work today.

“WHEN I GET YOUR AGE, MY BODY WILL TORTURE ME FOR WHAT I AM DOING TO IT.”

D.P

A 30-year-old cook, with a hangover, commenting to 50-year-old co-worker.

“YOUR BRAIN IS YOUR BEST TOOL”

M.C.

Common sense and thinking are underdeveloped natural resources.

“THE QUESTION IN NOT WHERE YOUE LEARNED BUT DID YOU LEARN”

M.C.

The desire to learn is more important than a diploma from a culinary school.

“DON’T YOU GO TO SCHOOL SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORK LIKE THIS?”

D.P.

This cook, a culinary school graduate, was exasperated during a busy service

“ALL KITCHENS ARE F***ED UP, IT’S JUST A MATTER OF HOW F***ED UP!”

*.*.

The truth.

“I DON’T GET PAID ENOUGH TO GET UPSET.”

D.P.

How one cook stays calm.

“THE HARDEST THING I DO EVERYDAY IS SWALLOW MY PRIDE.”

D.P.

The cook considered himself more talented than management.

May also be related to first comment.

“MY BROTHER IS A LAWYER, MY FATHER IS A DOCTOR, AND I COOK MUSHROOMS.”

*.*.

Getting to know a new cook as he sautés.

“BEER AND WAITRESSES”

D.B.

One cook’s answer to the question, how does a line cook survive?

THE TRUE SIGN OF STRENGTH IS APOLOGIZING AFTER THE BATTLE.

M.C.

The true character of a man is displayed in this simple but difficult task.

“I’VE BEEN F***ED IN THE KITCHNE SO MANY TIMES, I KNOW HOW TO WORK AROUND IT.”

*.*.

Survival skills A cook’s remark about his unique experiences.

“I NEED THIS JOB.”

One guy’s technique for doing whatever he is told.

“COOKS GET F***ED, AND CHEFS GET LAID.”

D.P

What’s the difference between a cook and a chef?

“I SHOULD BE WEARING A PAPER HAT”

*.*.

After a menu change, one cook thought his talents were under utilized and surmised he could do the same thing at a diner.

“WATER IS A POWERFUL SOLVENT”

*.*.

Ex scientist, cook, commenting on the proper liquid to clean a floor

“YOU HAVE ONE FOR EACH DAY OFF.”

*.*.

The company issued two uniforms to the staff working five days a week.

“YOU CAN’T JUST THROW A WHITE JACKET ON HIM AND CALL HIM A COOK”.

*.*.

The typical management technique for maintaining a low payroll.

        

“YOU SHOULD’T ASK WHY THINGS WENT SO WRONG TONIGHT, YOU SHOULD ASK WHY THEY DO NOT GO SO WRONG EVERY NIGHT!

M.C.

This person was less than impressed with the usual quality of hospitality management.

“ARE YOU APPLYING LOGIC TO THE MANAGERIAL MIND?”

*.*.

This person was perplexed that others did not think like him.

“DEBACCHARI ERGO SUM”

(“I RANT THEREFORE I AM”)

*.*.

This person was a follower of the Rene Descartes school of philosophy.

He would loudly question his existence and individuality, theorizing he was not just another part of the kitchen. Most likely related to the preceding quote.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

“The difficult we do,

                             The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na sceal