THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN
NICK
NAMES
Humor in the Kitchen is loud and brutish. You are hit with a meat
mallet, not wafted by a dandy’s handkerchief. Remarks tend to be vulgar and
cutting but true inspiration shines through on occasion. I offer examples for
those with minds mingling in the muck and those whose muse may meander higher.
The first group of nicknames has
been “SELF INFLICTED”. A characteristic or habit of an individual has
been noticed and the trait becomes their moniker.
Ed (Oedipus)
A
waitress worked in the same restaurant as her son, who was a “foodrunner”.
During a busy dinner service, dishes were stacked in the kitchen waiting to be
delivered. The foodrunner hurried back to the kitchen and asked the expediter;
“who do I get next” A or B?
Since A was the guy’s mother, all the cooks were aghast at the impropriety, and
loudly voiced their disapproval. The Oedipus
Complex is a psychological disorder where children are sexually attracted to
their parent of the opposite gender.
Feedbag
Anyone
who eats beyond the capacity of a normal human being is a “Feedbag”. “Feedbags”
are also usually oblivious that they eat too much. If you join the army after
earning this name, it is changed to “Private
Feedbag”.
(Mr.) Magoo
Mr.
Magoo is a cartoon character with terrible eyesight. This is a traditional
moniker for anyone who seems unable to find what he is looking for. “Magoo” is
often times turned into a verb i.e. “Did you magoo that chicken?” A smart
“Magoo” will turn this trait to his advantage. When not in the mood to look for
product, he can ask for help without receiving the usual sass. Everyone will
chuckle and assume “Magoo” is “blind” again.
Maximum
Banquet
cooks are forever asking “front of the house” personnel how many guests have
arrived. Experience has taught that a number on a “function sheet” means
nothing and the only way to avoid cooking too few entrée’s is to get a “body
count”. One banquet manager grew tired of these queries and shouted; “we are at maximum”.
H. B. O.
One veteran cook informed the staff that he was the “Head Broiler
Operator” and therefore should be addressed as HBO!
Talos
Talos (TAY – los) is a bronze giant from ancient Greek mythology.
You should watch the early 1960’s movie “Jason and the Argonauts” to fully
comprehend the image. Jason drained the life fluid from the giant and Talos
endured a slow agonizing death. He first grabs his throat in pain, then
teeters, next cracks appear, and finally his body shatters and the pieces fall
to the beach. As a new confidant manager was experiencing the unnecessary and
illogical stress of “THE ZONE”,
the old hands were counting the days before he hit the beach.
Fluff Master
One cook was so impressed with his ability to make light, fluffy
mashed potatoes that he renamed himself.
The Vulture
One
server was constantly hovering around the kitchen towards the end of any
buffet. They were ignoring their work in order to be the first to pick over the
leftovers. They would swoop around the kitchen intently eyeing the prep table.
As soon as the hotel pans hit steel, “The Vulture” would pounce. This “hot LZ”
was attacked and a container was immediately filled. Meanwhile, the remaining
staff was working.
Cheesy Dumper
A lunchtime station required a large amount of cheese to be sliced
each day. The cook at this station must have been overworked since she started
to have dreams about the workplace. In her dream, she was sitting in the
bathroom performing “Number Two” when a fellow cook delivered the required
cheese.
13 or 30
One expediter had a habit of leaving the line to see how many
tables remained to be served. One night he returned, and with a straight face,
said; “you have either 13 or 30 left.” The logic of this statement escaped
everyone but him.
Au Jus
Laziness
and carelessness gave birth to “Au Jus”. One place had kitchens on two floors
connected by a “dumbwaiter”. This device had two shelves and someone put an
unwrapped container of “au jus” (cooking liquid – usually hot) on the top
shelf. When the lower floor cook reached up for the container it spilled down
his face and jacket.
DOM & DYM
As
is the custom in a testosterone fueled space, two males were commenting on the
physical attributes of a female. The younger, aghast at the elder’s crudeness,
called him a “Dirty Old Man”. Come on, DOM why do you gotta be like that? Well you
are a “Dirty Young Man”.
Similar features of celebrities and
those around us have entertained the populous for ages. Next I offer a few “LOOK
A LIKES” that I have encountered.
Gandalf
A worldly, mature, almost white haired YoungMan, endeared himself
to his wife by growing a beard. Now his hair, beard and jacket were a dazzling
white. This gentleman produced such a startling aura; it could only be compared
to the first appearance of “Gandalf the White”.
Lerch
Lerch was the butler from The Adams Family television show. He was
large, tall, and if spoken to would respond with the sound,
aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaa. This name was assigned to a tall, particularity slow
moving man.
The Turtle – The Tall Turtle
Imagine the cartoon character “FRANKLIN”, a turtle. One chef was
short with a large nose and a hunched over back. Salesmen would refer to him as
“The Turtle”. A tall new sous chef
gained his “handle” by association, “The
Tall Turtle”.
Amish
The Amish are Christians that live a simple, mostly agrarian life. There
is a large population in south central Pennsylvania. A young man got a haircut
that looked like a bowl was placed on his head as a guide. This coif was
ridiculed and comparisons were made to “LLOYD” Christmas and an Amish farmboy.
Amish stuck.
Flaca
A Spanish-speaking guy thought his young, tall, skinny, white boy
co-worker looked like a dirty little girl. So he referred to the younger man as
“FLACA SUCIO”. This Spanish was a mouthful for the Anglos so it was shortened
to “FLACA”.
Rhyming words with someone’s name
has been done for eons. Word association is similar childish behavior and the
heat of the kitchen boils one’s brain the same way. I now offer nouns that are SIMILAR
or ASSOCIATED with a name.
Dr. Phil - The Doctor - Dr. of “Phil osiphy”
A few cooks worked too many years for a chef named Phil and spent
their down time playing word games with his name. If staff did not like what he
was doing it was termed: “PHIL… LATIO”, or it was all “PHILLED
UP”.
Senor
This term is a play on the Spanish word for mister. A young guy coined
the phrase referring to someone who was “senior” to him in years.
“Laffer disiac”
Mr. Lafferty would encourage young ladies to eat oysters!
“Management”
This was a method to distinguish guys when too many have the same
first name. The sous chef was
renamed “Management”. This is a nod of respect to my uncle who lovingly used the
term to refer to his wife.
Comparing the PHYSICAL
ATTRIBUTES of others to the world around us is my next offering.
Diaper Butt
One lady possessed the “maximum” of gluteus maximums. As she walked
away one could not help but be reminded of an infant with a full load.
Spud Butt
One young lady actually told the story of this encounter. She met a
man who commented on the size of her posterior and he theorized that she “sure
ate a lot of potatoes”.
Sheet Pan Ass
This term is the exact opposite of the previous two examples. Sheet
pans are metal trays about 2’ x 3’ with ½ inch lip, commonly used in kitchens.
I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.
Into THE
CAULDRON!
“The difficult we do,
The impossible takes a little longer!”
“The difficult we do,
The impossible takes a little longer!”
Is tuisce deoch na scael
