Chapter 17 : Yes Chef

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                   September 2010

Mike Campbell

YES CHEF!

(Is this a management technique?)

        

The Chef is the head cook, not your friend, psychologist, social director, parole officer, bookie, substance abuse counselor, bus driver, auto mechanic, or mobile phone provider. He wants “his food” cooked “his way” and it better be ready when he wants it. You (person) are just a means to his ends. You are just another tool and are treated as such.

I enter the kitchen and hear someone screaming, “Yes Chef”. By the time I reach the walk- in, I hear this phrase several more times. And then, even louder, comes “CHEF! YES CHEF!”

 I am in the prep area behind the line and my ears are ringing. It was one of the new guys. It didn’t matter what was going on or who was trying to talk, or what time of day it was. Like rolling thunder, this sound was everywhere. The “even tenor of my ways” was under assault from this pervasive noise. It was psychological warfare! No one was safe from this sonic blast!

 The “old guard” would snicker and shake their heads at this farce, but the Chef would always smile. I had been out of culinary school for about eight years and had worked in many kitchens, but never had I experienced this nonsense.

This guy had been brought along with the new Chef. Chef was European, had just left a culinary school as an instructor and was used to people jumping when he spoke. The personnel of the “pre-existing condition” were not there by his choosing and he was sending us a message. This is the attitude I demand!

I was having a hard time saying this man’s name, so I asked him the correct pronunciation. He replied:

“YOU MAY CALL ME CHEF”!

Time went by and this same man was telling me something he wanted done. I responded like a typical American male over 40 by saying yeh or OK. The chef stared at me and stated,

“THE PROPER ANSWER IS YES CHEF”.

These exchanges spoke volumes, he was the authority and I was there to do his bidding. To this day I still wonder if “Chef” appears on his birth certificate.

 Do what I say, do it now, and do not ask questions. This attitude is very common among Chefs, generally more severe among Europeans, but they all have it. They rule their fiefdoms, embracing the “Divine Right of Kings”, and are not inclined to discuss matters with the serfs.  If an underling ever suggests the Chef change something, Chef’s attitude is best described by Shakespeare:

“Must I be flouted thus, by dunghill grooms?”

A less eloquent version of the same sentiment is expressed in American as,

“If I want any crap out of you, I’ll squeeze you head!”

Imagine the opening scene from the George C. Scott movie “Patton”. The Chef (Patton) stands on high in an immaculately clean uniform, light reflects off the razor sharp knives strapped to his sides. The Brigades stands below breathlessly waiting his every word. He looks perfect, a dazzling sight, bestowing his magnificence upon the minions.

Newspapers reported on Patton’s activities using the name given to him by his troops, “BLOOD AND GUTS”. This was a heroic moniker, helped to sell newspapers, and created an image of a larger than life persona. A closer study of history reveals other important details. The full name, as used by the troops is,

“Old Blood and Guts

yeh

OUR blood and HIS guts”

Cooks are not trained managers, accountants, or human resource professionals. Cooks are creatures of the kitchen and elevation to management status does not mean the ingrained shortsighted attitude has been jettisoned. We exist in a harsh environment and soft edges are soon rubbed raw. Management largely consists of screaming, manipulation, and intimidation. Team building, personal growth and development are usually denied visas to the kitchen.

A favorite tactic of chefs is to tell you what a good job you did at the end of a busy shift. As you stand by your station sweating and cleaning up, after a busy service, the chef will breeze out the door telling everyone what a great job they did. But somehow they always forget your accomplishments when it is time for your review. At this point your performance must always improve. If you are inclined to waste some time, inquire what you must do to improve. Generally, a dazzling light blinds you and an imposing voice comes from on high and intones

“GET BETTER”.

Otherwise your raise would have to be something other than ridiculous. Protocol dictates that you now say “Yes Chef” and go back to work.

I once worked for an American who had spent some time cooking in France. He was issued two dry towels per day and was only allowed to say, “Yes Chef”.

Once a Chef was shorthanded, asked me to help him and work an unscheduled shift. The overtime money would do me good so I agreed. Later in the week, the chef sent me home since I had worked an extra day. I did him a favor and then he removed my incentive to do anything other than what is expected. His shifts and payroll were covered but I never did him a favor again. Yes Chef!

One place stayed open an hour later on the Friday, the busiest day of the week. The chef didn’t want to pay an extra hour, so I was told to start work an hour later than usual.  This did not make any sense to me. I needed extra prep time for the busiest day not less. I suggested subtracting an hour from the slowest day. Of course, this never happened. Needless to say, I had to work harder and faster so payroll could meet forecast. Yes Chef!

One chef had a habit of posting the weekly schedule the day before the new workweek started. I thought this displayed a complete lack of thought and caring for the staff. Afterall, cooks have the technique of “mise en place” drilled in to them. Be prepared for your shift. Should not this same philosophy be used in your mental work? When I asked the chef if it was possible to post the schedule early, I was told no. The banquet department may have an unanticipated immediate need, and then what would I do? For the remainder of the year I worked there, the schedules were always posted late, my work hours were always the same, others hours did not change, and the unanticipated immediate need never materialized. Yes Chef!

To this day, while watching “Hell’s Kitchen”, I want to slap somebody when I hear them scream, “Yes Chef!”

The United States was founded on the principal of equality for all, but “the kitchen” in not America. “The kitchen” is a word unto itself!

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 16 : Kitchen Brigade

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                          June 2010

Mike Campbell

KITCHEN BRIGADE

There is no I in team, but there are a few in Kitchen Brigade!

In the traditional French system a professional kitchen is organized as a “Kitchen Brigade”. The system was instituted in the late nineteenth century in order to avoid chaos, duplication of effort and to streamline the work in hotel kitchens.

DID I SAY, “AVOID CHAOS”? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BUSY KITCHEN? MOST AMERICANS DON’T UNDERSWTAND ENGLISH, LET ALONE SPANISH, FRENCH, CREOLE, SPANGLISH, OR ANY ASIAN LANGUAGE!

Brigade is a military term that seems to me was not chosen lightly. Military espirit de corp implies discipline and subjugation to authority. Just as in the military we even dress alike, dark non skid shoes, checked pants, white jacket, and paper toque. Thus the tone is set, you are to do what you are told!

 Under this system, each position has a “station” and each station has an assigned set of tasks that must be completed. Therefore, all tasks are completed in a timely manner, and we all cook happily ever after!

The Brigade system was designed by “the kitchen god Escoffier” and therefore cannot be questioned.

But who makes up this Brigade? There is a standard cast of characters.

CHEF                  knows his feces doesn’t stink

SOUS CHEF          is pretty sure his has a wonderful aroma, but just to make sure, keeps his nose between the Chef’s cheeks for comparison

CULINARY GRAD

knows, someday his feces will lose its pungent smell. But his is still better than any non-management personnel.

SELF TAUGHT COOK

has come to appreciate and understand all the smells of the kitchen. He loves to rub the nose of any one listed above, in his, just to prove he knows what is going on.

THE WHINER         there IS ALWAYS something wrong

DISHWASHER         stands in it all day and has become                                                       desensitized.

“THERE’S ONE IN EVERY KITCHEN”

Someone, usually, a dishwasher insists on getting in your face to talk about nonsense every day.

The kitchen is a testosterone filled environment and “The Brigade” mostly consists of loud, sweaty, cussing men. The only “touchy feely” moments occur when dealing with the plentiful supply of young females, whose main job is attending high school or college. These girls raise our minds to such heights that we can understand and spell debauchery.

There were two guys that referred to each other by the acronyms D.O.M and D.Y.M.

                  Dirty    Old      Man

                  Dirty    Young   Man

Can this group come together and work as a team to accomplish a common goal? Of course, but that is not the usual mindset. The Brigade system operates under the ancient adage: “divide and conquer”.

In my first cooking job, I was told that the morning crew ALWAYS fights with the night crew. It is now many years and kitchens later and this axiom is as true today as the day I heard it.  You will usually hear comments like: my shift does all the work and the other guys have it easy, there are no bosses here early in the morning and those guys get to stand around for hours, they never put their stuff away, they always leave their trash for me to pick up, or I leave my station stocked and its empty when I come in the next day.

I once arrived for my dinner shift to find that the entire morning crew had walked off the job. This was the first time I had experienced the truth of the huge staff turnover rate that was taught in culinary school.

You will not see a group of cooks standing behind THE LINE with their blades together shouting “all for one and one for all” it is more like a bunch of rats fleeing a sinking ship, its every cook for himself!

Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. People will look at “the big picture”, think of their co workers, anticipate, educate, be pro active, and think of others before themselves, but this is not the overriding vibe in a kitchen. When you get to work with a true teammate, cherish the experience.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 15 : Whisper

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                     April  2010        

Mike Campbell

WHISPER DOWN THE LANE

One of my fond childhood memories was playing a game called “Whisper Down The Lane”. You would gather as many kids as possible and arrange yourselves in a line. The first person would whisper something to the person next to them and that person would repeat it to the next person. This process would then continue “down the lane”. When the last person received the message they would stand and shout out the message. We would all laugh because the initial message would NEVER be the same at the end. I thought this game would remain a distant memory of my youth but I have found it is alive and well in some kitchens.  

 Usually, owners or general managers discuss with the Chef what needs to be done. The Chef then instructs the Executive Sous Chef, who speaks to the Sous Chefs, who speak to the Supervisors, who speak to the cooks, who actually do the work.

This style of management is a military “chain of command”. Under this system each link in the chain does what the link above commands. If everyone does their part, information slides down from the top and the machine works.

This type management functions under one large assumption. It takes for granted that each link knows what they are talking about. Of course, we can all recite from childhood memories what happens when we

ASS U ME.

Communication is key to almost everything but it is immensely important in this system, because the parts seldom communicate and rarely work together.

Are the lines of communication strong and flexible, or are they frayed, weak and about to break? Unfortunately, what passes as communication in a kitchen is considered SCREAMING in most other environments.  Staff is usually alerted to a Chef’s quizzical nature when throughout the kitchen is heard: WHAT THE  @#*%  ARE YOU DOING?

Nothing kills initiative like hearing “WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DID I TELL YOU TO DO THAT?” Mumbling that you were trying to help or thinking ahead is not appreciated. You soon understand it is easier to just do what you were told.

And now the “chain reaction” starts. Chef is like a heat seeking missile hunting the Executive Sous Chef. If Chef finds his prey out in the open, he will pounce on the unsuspecting subordinate with: DID YOU TELL HIM TO DO THAT? Immediately, our minds go wondering off to images of a lion ripping apart a giraffe.

The second scenario is having the Executive Sous Chef summoned to the Chef’s office. This is no less a public execution, only quieter. Whenever, someone goes in the Chef’s office and the door is closed all eyes in the kitchen are watching. We will put on a show of moving our hands but have no doubt; all eyes are trained on the office.

The next part of this game is to watch which link will be “communicated” with next. Will all the links receive the new information or will it go directly to the bottom? The final act is for the staff to whisper about these activities for the next day and a half.

After a few of these incidents, management over reacts in the opposite direction. You will be standing next to the Chef as he explains something to your supervisor and then the supervisor immediately turns to you and repeats what was just said. What is a lowly cook to do without such wisdom?

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!        

                 Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 14 : Foreign Legion

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                  September 2009

Mike Campbell

YOU’RE IN THE ARMY NOW!

( The French Foreign Legion )

A desolate landscape, its so hot you can see the waves of heat simmering up toward the heavens. A group of similarly dressed people are working, the sweat pouring off them. Light reflects off theirs knives as they slash and chop the carcasses strewn about.

A solitary figure is off to the side, watching the others. He does not sweat. He shouts commands in a variety of different languages. He is dressed like the others, but something is different. His clothing is immaculate, from the top of his hat to the shine on his shoes.

His hat and jacket are an intense, blinding shade of white. He is a dazzling sight. It is like a near death experience, you are drawn to the light. Could this be god? He usually thinks so!

Is this scene from the military or a professional kitchen? It could be either. In both organizations authority starts at the top and slowly trickles down, losing power as is descends.

The leaders are with the group but not really part of it. They give commands and are not in the habit of explaining themselves. They have complete faith in the system of “so let it be said (by me), so let it be done (by you)”.

“You had a good home, but you left…right”

The classic method for organizing a kitchen is called the “Kitchen Brigade”. Legend says this system evolved from medieval military cooks who were later dragooned into working for the nobility

There are many similarities between the military and the kitchen. Both groups wear stiff, unforgiving uniforms and ridicules hats. You are told what to wear and everyone is supposed to look alike. (How could anyone know who is a cook if he was not wearing checked pants?) Women are slowly joining the ranks, but the men don’t easily accept them. The replacements, (FNG), have to prove themselves before becoming part of the group.

Where else do you see a crowd gathered around someone putting an edge on a knife? This ritual fascinates cooks of any skill level. And if you are good, you have to show off, you must prove your blade has a razor’s edge. Slicing paper or shaving the hair off an arm are the usual crowd pleasers

Chefs are like generals, they have an office, give orders and their uniforms are always immaculate. Chef wants what he wants and he wants it done his way!

Sous Chefs are like lieutenants, they relay orders and perform some of the more skillful tasks. They are mostly management but will perform manual labor when necessary. Their jackets are usually clean but have been known to get dirty.

The cooks would be privates, doing what they are told. They operate in all weather conditions and their uniforms usually show the effects. It doesn’t matter how hot it is or how messy of a job you are performing, the chef doesn’t want to see a stained jacket and expects all the buttons to be done up to the neck. This group lives the motto of The United States Army’s 79^th Infantry Division Combat Engineers during World War II:

“The difficult we do

The impossible takes a little longer”

Dishwashers would be recruits, they are at the bottom, taking crap from everyone and doing the dirtiest jobs.

Military and kitchen management styles have several similarities. The boss, General or Chef, is addressed by his title and not his name. There is a chain of command and every member is expected to do what the level above orders. Officers/ Chefs have information and they decide with whom and how much of this to disseminate. There is little if any discussion. Staff await their orders and then reply, “yes sir!” or “yes chef!”

The kitchen is like the military of any country but it most closely resembles The French Foreign Legion. The white kepi of the Legion is not dissimilar to a cook’s toque, they are both white and go straight up from the head.

 In this outfit a group of volunteers from all over the world are lead by French officers. The soldiers may continue to speak their native tongues but the officers will insist on speaking French. To paraphrase an army movie, one officer says to another; they (soldiers) must understand YOU, you do not have to understand them.

A professional kitchen is not a democracy it is an authoritarian realm. The Executive Chef is like a pirate with a parrot perched on each shoulder. One is named EGO and the other AUTHORITY.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 13 : Main Ingredient

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                              September 2009

Mike Campbell

THE MAIN INGREDIENT

Walk into any professional kitchen before dinner service and you are likely to encounter a multitude of sights and sounds. There will be people talking but the noise level is not loud. You hear a knife repeatedly strike a cutting board and wonder how they work so fast without cutting themselves, vegetables sizzle as they hit a hot pan, and dishes clang as they are being cleaned. Aroma is everywhere; it comes from unseen meats hiding inside ovens, fresh herbs being chopped, vegetables being peeled, and steam slowly rising towards the exhaust fans from large cauldrons bubbling on stovetops.

But have you ever wondered what is the main ingredient present in every kitchen that makes them run? It’s not the building, electricity, management, Chef, farmer, cook, or dishwasher. Heat, steam, sweat, and grease are everywhere, but these are just a sideshow. No, the fuel that powers every kitchen is EGO!

Ego envelops every kitchen like a mushroom cloud!

This is the most important thing to know about any professional kitchen! Every cook has an ego, and it is not small. Some are loud and demonstrative and others are shielded behind a starched white jacket. But do not be fooled, ego is everywhere.

From the Master Chef to the lowliest apprentice, they know the best way to cook anything. It is common to hear a cook say, “that’s not how I make it”. Cooks will grudgingly admit someone else’s skill in preparing a dish but theirs is always better.

Who would order a filet well done? I’m not ruining a good piece of meat and turning it into shoe leather! That’s not how I cook my food!  This is heard over and over again in any good kitchen. It is the classic and endless debate.

Who are you cooking for? Are you trying to make the customer happy or the Chef? Both sides can mount a formidable defense for their position. This debate will rage on forever, and ego is in every sentence. Can the owner and “his business” trump the Chef and “his food”?

Ego will even manifest itself in how the cooks interact with their co-workers. Many cooks have been trained “on the job”. It is not uncommon for someone to start washing dishes and then progress through the different stations of a kitchen.

In recent years, culinary schools have produced an abundance of graduates. These graduates, and their diploma’s, cook side by side with many an ex-dishwasher. It is not uncommon for ego to rear its ugly head when these two groups interact.

But there is also tension amongst the culinary school graduates. There is one school that is generally acknowledged as the best in The United States. I shall call it “The Alphabet School”. Most “Alphabet School” grads let it be known that they were taught at “The Alphabet School”, and therefore they know what is best. What is unspoken is the cause of tension. You did not attend “The Alphabet School” and therefore are beneath me.

This feeling is sometimes apparent in what an “Alphabet School” grad must cook. At one place, the cooks prepared meals for the dining room and the bar. The countenance of one “Alphabet School” grad would grow dark every time he had to cook a hamburger or a hot dog. He would grumble that he didn’t go to “The Alphabet School” to cook this crap!

Of course, his misery entertained “the rude and scoffing multitude” of non “Alphabet” staff. And when an “Alphabet School” grad ‘s performance was found to be less than stellar, it was maliciously thrown in the face of every other “Alphabet School” grad that could be found.

This air of superiority went so far as to the proper name of the employee meal. The new chef was an “Alphabet School” man and brought along a few of his boys. Every time a cook would mention “staff meal”, an “Alphabet School” grad would condescendingly say it’s “family meal”. You would think that our time could be better spent.

Ego will also make one try new things, new ingredients, or new combinations of old ingredients. It can set your mind and toque ablaze. It can drive you to create. It may push you to make your “signature dish”. Ego is at the heart of the oft-repeated statement, “just call me the new Escoffier”.

Ego will make you practice until the dish “is perfect”. You are proud to say, “that’s my dish”.

Pride and determination go hand in hand with ego. It is what makes a kitchen rise above the pedestrian bill of fare. It is what makes a cook strut around the kitchen after he has received a compliment. After all, most cooks want others to tell them how good they are! We love to see the satisfaction on faces as they eat our food.

      

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

                     Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 12 : Madness

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                               July 2009

Mike Campbell

METHOD or MADNESS?

ALL KITCHENS ARE F###--ED UP! ITS JUST A MATTER OF HOW F###--ED UP!
 A sous chef passed on these words of wisdom after a brief mind numbing chat with our boss.

All owners, general managers, and Executive Chefs are constantly bemoaning the difficulty of finding and maintaining “good staff”. I have heard this in every hospitality establishment that I have ever encountered. Management will wring their hands and talk endlessly about their efforts to attract and find “good people”, but they somehow always miss the obvious.

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE MONEY!

If you paid your cooks a living wage, you could attract and maintain a talented staff. Why do they think so many cooks work two jobs? Time and time again I have heard kitchen staff ask the new guy: “is this your only job?”

Cooks do not get paid a living wage. They live from paycheck to paycheck. Not only can’t we afford to eat at the restaurants where we work, if it wasn’t for the free “staff meal” we would be hungry. Not until you become a Sous Chef will you make any kind of money.

This situation fosters a transient lifestyle. Most cooks have worked at many places. There is no such thing as loyalty. An owner will push you out the door in an instant. And the corollary is also true. Staff will leave at the drop of a hat; there is always another place around the corner that will employ you at the same crappy payrate.

Unless you work in the corporate arena, you probably will not receive benefits as part of employment. You are not entitled to company paid health care, dental, retirement, vacation, holidays, or sick time. Is it any wonder the turnover rate is astronomical? I once arrived for my dinner shift to discover the entire morning crew had quit. They walked off the job because management had angered one person.

Chefs are hired because they can cook not because they are entrepreneurs, managers, or inspirational leaders. They are trained cooks, not trained managers. As a result, most chefs will run their kitchen the same way as their mentors.

 In culinary school, I received one basic management course and one basic leadership course. Therefore, most culinary school graduates, especially young ones, are woefully prepared for anything but cooking.

How do you increase sales, lower expenses and overhead? Do they even know what overhead is? How do you find and maintain customers? How do you attract and maintain staff? How do you inspire and lead a team? How do you build a team? Do you have a vision? How do you get your staff to follow your vision? How do you create, maintain, and reward loyalty? How do you treat people? Why are dishwashers so important?

Most of these issues are not taught in culinary school and are not talked about in “the real world”. Generally, the closest a chef will get to discussing these topics is when he screams; do you know how much that costs?

Most chefs are authoritarian, especially Europeans. They expect things to be done because they say so. Teaching and reasoning is not always forthcoming. As a result, many cooks will do things a certain way because that’s the way the Chef wants it. They are usually ignorant of the “big picture” going on around them.

Many times information is dispensed in a “need to know” basis. You may be told: Chef wants vegetables for three hundred, therefore you get it done. You don’t need to know how many parties this will handle or what day the parties are, or what time the parties are! You also do not know how this will impact your co-workers.

Maybe this order refers to three parties, but there is a fourth party that needs the same vegetable or the cold side needs the same item blanched for a salad. Usually the cook just does what he is told. Teamwork is not always in the lexicon of the kitchen.

The system would make Charles Darwin proud, its survival of the fittest. You mostly work with blinders on, getting your work done. Its not maliciously stepping on others on the ladder of success, but the result is much the same. There is an intense focus on self and if something gets in your way you keep going. You do not stop! Any obstacle is brushed aside, conquered, or bypassed.

Cooks will get their prep done, they will stock their station and they will be ready when service starts. Did they do anything to hinder a co-worker? Did they do anything to help a co-worker? Were they part of a team? Did the team achieve their goals? These questions are rarely asked. But you will always hear a cook say; “ I’m ready”.

Kitchen staffers will work very hard to do their jobs. If you ever see them in action, you’ll see a determined and fast moving bunch. They get their job done.

This is quite noticeable in how people move. Cooks walk fast, its kitchen speed. We shift gears when we are under a deadline. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line and that’s the road we travel. If you want to BS, we’ll listen, but we are not stopping. This is how we are trained and this is how we are judged. The chef will only ask you about your job. It is extremely rare that a chef will ask how your actions affected those around you.

Being a mid-life career changer I was shocked by the attitude of your typical “kitchen lifer”.  I often think that if someone dropped dead in a kitchen, the staff would simply walk over the corpse because; “cleaning up dead bodies is not part of my station”.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!        

Is tuisce deoch na sceal

Chapter 11 : Used Car Salesmen

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN                                     April 2009

Mike Campbell

USED CAR SALESMEN

“This business grows assholes: it’s our principal export.”

Anthony Bourdain – Kitchen Confidential

Page 293

Restaurant owners, managers, and chefs want what they want and they want it now. It doesn’t have to make sense.

ITEM #1

 I once worked at a club with two kitchens, each serving different dining rooms. The main kitchen was closed two days a week while the other was open all week. However, the members always wanted to eat in the main room, since it had easy access to the porch. Management had many options for handling this situation: they could say no, they could move the smaller staff to the main kitchen and serve the casual menu, or the casual menu could be prepared in their kitchen and let the servers walk.  These would have been reasonable options to a difficult situation. So what did management decide? Each week every food item from the small kitchen was moved to the main kitchen. As a result, the casual menu was served from the main kitchen to the main dining room. Two days later everything was moved back! The people who made this decision, were also the ones who whined about payroll costs.

ITEM #2

 One place remodeled the kitchen and replaced everything. The big selling point was the “new” kitchen would be air-conditioned. During construction, someone noticed there were no air ducts in the front of the kitchen. There was one vent in the back over the pot sink. However, a wall separated this area from the front.

All the windows on one side of the kitchen were enclosed, leaving three windows on the opposite side. Only one of these windows had a screen. It was not however, the window that was less than ten feet form the trash dumpster. During the next summer, portable air conditioning units were installed in the front part of the kitchen. Meanwhile, the potwasher was wearing a sweatshirt, since the lone air conditioning vent was blowing directly on his back.

 We were told that “top people” designed this kitchen and we would love working there.

ITEM #3

Once during construction, the exhaust fans were disconnected so a new unit could be installed. No provision was made for the absence of a fan and we were expected to carry on as usual. This kitchen was hot in the best of times, and the lack of exhaust pushed it to the extreme.

The heat was unbearable. Smoke from the grill was everywhere. Frying one hamburger would fill the kitchen with smoke, which would eventually drift into the dining room.

Cleaning the grill at the end of the night was sheer torture. Grease cutter hitting a hot grill produces an immediate cloud of acrid smoke. I have performed this chore many times and I never thought of the smell because the exhaust fans pull the smoke out within a few seconds. Without the exhaust fan it was like mustard gas exploding in a World War I trench. It mushroomed above the grill and then slowly spread throughout the room. You had two choices, be a hero and gag as the smoke attacked your throat or leave the room.

Was management concerned about the well being of their kitchen staff and servers? The only comment I heard was: “don’t let the smoke get into the dining room”. Thus we were taught a golden rule: second hand smoke does not exist in the restaurant business.

After repeated complaints, we were told that the fans were fixed. We still complained, and were looked down on. Then the contractor realized that the fan was installed backwards. We still complained and management was angry. They were doing all they could and we were wrong anyway and their contractors knew what they were doing. Then it was discovered, that the contractor miscalculated the size of the fan that was needed and had installed a unit that was too small for the room.

ITEM #4

One time the kitchen was under construction, there was no air conditioning, no fans and no windows. It was early summer and the temperature for next few days was forecasted to reach the nineties. I asked a manager what was being done so I wouldn’t pass out in the coming days? Somehow I showed that I was not impressed with the number of e-mails he had sent to the contractor and was told: “maybe you should take off your apron and go home”. How did I ever think to question a manager? He was probably invoking the “Divine Right of Kings”. As Shakespeare put it:  “must I be flouted thus, by dunghill grooms?” How dare an underling, do anything but acquiesce to his judgment.

ITEM #5

Most professional kitchen floors are made of square tiles. These are hard surfaces designed for easy cleaning. But titles crack and the grout between them can accumulate grease and grime over time. One place I worked had a bad floor. The floor had sunk in spots, tiles were cracked, and grease had built up. I learned that mosquitoes thrive in such an environment; the greasy floor was the perfect place for them to breed. If this occurred during the summer, it would be understandable, but the flies thrived all winter long. This was the only place where I had to fight flies in February.

ITEM #6

This same place also did not do a very good job of cleaning their soda machines. The sugar is a magnet for fruit flies. Its not a good feeling when you see a cloud circling around a soda machine you want to use.

ITEM #7

This kitchen had doors leading to the dining room, that we would open to lower the temperature. Management insisted that the doors stayed closed. They were not worried about the unbearable heat of the kitchen or customers looking into the kitchen. Management did not want the flies in the dining room.

ITEM #8

While attending culinary school, I was an intern at a small restaurant. I was working the cold side and was responsible for one other guy who was hired after me. I was teaching this person and held accountable for his work. I found out that he was being paid more than me. When I confronted the chef, his first response was that I was an intern and he thought I would be leaving soon. Then he said there should have been an adjustment. I was good enough to teach the job but was not worth as much money as my subordinate.

ITEM #9

I was scheduled to work to eleven o’clock one night. The chef tells me the hood cleaners are coming later so make sure everything is covered. Around ten o’clock the cleaners arrive and want to start. I inform them that they can get on the line when I am done at eleven o’clock. The next day the general manager says: “ I hear you chased the cleaners away last night”.

The chef made my schedule, knew the cleaners were coming, did not tell me to leave early, and somehow I was responsible for the wasted time of the cleaners.

ITEM #10

I took a job that was to have company paid health benefits, after ninety days of employment. It is common practice for companies to pay about 75% to 80% of this benefit. I should have asked this question directly but I did not. After two months, I approached one of the co-owner because I haven’t received any booklets or enrollment forms. I wait. I remind him. I wait. Ninety days is up and I start looking for another job. Then I am told that the company pays 25% of health benefits. After I give notice, another co-owner tells me I look upset and asks why I am leaving.

ITEM #11

A co-owner tells his cook to work the next day but it is his day off and they argue. Finally, the cook agrees to work the next day. Early the next day, he receives a phone call that his services are no longer needed.

How could any reasonable person question any of these decisions?

The stereotypical used car salesman is loud and arrogant, both in dress and demeanor. They are like Machiavelli in a plaid jacket, (plaid jacket, checked pants it all the same). They will say anything to achieve their goals.

 Some of the stories above I have experienced, others were told to me by those who lived them. Used car salesmen are not the only type of restaurant manager, but they are numerous and roam freely in the hospitality industry.  

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

                                             Is tuisce deoch na sceal