THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN
UNDERSTATED
INNUENDO
Innuendo is defined as “An oblique
comment, hint or suggestion, usually derogatory”. It is a rare cook that can
define oblique {annoying, insensitive, or slow to understand} but the entire
brigade has mastered derogatory. Some of the more nimble minds have tired of
the usual brutish comments and created a more stylized vulgarity.
Snide
BP Chicken
Instead of sautéing
chicken for buffets one chef had a habit of baking the breasts in the oven. The
meat would be coated in flour and placed on a sheet pan almost overflowing with
oil (all the oil BP did not spill into the gulf). After reading Chapter 26 “Are
You Kidding Me (Kitchen)”, cooks adopted this phrase as standard terminology
for banquet proteins.
Tizing (Execu Tizing)
Why is the chef not on the line? Is he attending to his executive
duties? Of course he is! Therefore he
is “Execu Tizing”. Voicing this adulation was a mouthful so it was shortened to
“Tizing”. “Tizing” does not refer to real work; it is rather the time spent
pondering and pontificating at length over minutia. “Tizing” is most
annoying when performed in the midst of staff doing manual labor. This
activity is usually exhibited when a VIP or higher management is present.
Tizer
One who spends his time “Tizing”? A “Tizer” is overly concerned
with the appearance of his
power. It is not uncommon for a “Tizer” to perform in the middle of the
kitchen, usually in the one spot where
everyone else needs to pass. If there is a “crossroads” or a “bottleneck”,
that’s where the “Tizing” will be done.
The
Exec
This is a
shortened term referring to “The Executive Chef”. In the kitchen, the term
“Chef” is used respectively. “The Exec” is used specifically not to infer respect. This term fell
out of favor when “TIZER” entered the lexicon.
“Roil
– T”
The definition of the verb “roil” is to vex; irritate; rile. Its
synonyms are aggravate; annoy; bother. Thus, this title is bestowed upon anyone
you find offensive.
Non-Compos
Mentis (Mr. Mentis)
Non-compos mentis
is a legal term meaning “mentally incompetent”. This phrase was shortened to
Mr. (Ms.) Mentis so it could be said out loud.
Shoemaker
This is an old
time cooks evaluation of another cook. The term refers to a cook who refuses or
is incapable of using proper technique or care in their work.
Drewmaker
The inspiration
that Drew did not put into his cooking was repurposed for a creative
alternative.
Cobbler
A cobbler is one
who repairs shoes (Shoemaker). To
“cobble” is to “put together roughly”. Once again the use of a synonym allowed
the new term to be stated aloud.
CobbleTizer
This title is a
combination for someone not skilled at their job and trying to be a boss at the
same time.
Stupid
Chef
This is an old slur
for an incompetent chef. The term is usually associated with a “Sous” Chef.
Sarge
(a name and a gesture)
A fellow cook
earned this nickname for his propensity to assume command. He liked to give
orders but lacked authority. This voice without power soon created mocking
gestures from his peers. In the army, sergeants have stripes on the upper arms
of their uniforms, so we would rub “Sarge’s” bicep looking for his stripes
whenever he would start barking.
This gesture soon became a proactive sign proclaiming one’s lack of
management responsibility.
Arms
crossed high on the chest (this is a gesture)
Walk into a busy kitchen, stand in a
corner, cross your arms high
on your chest and say nothing. This must be Step One in the chapter “How To
Display Your Authority” in the Certified Club Managers (C.C.M.) handbook.
Another cook brought this move to my attention. He had noticed the same
unnatural stance used by another C.C.M. at another club. Then I recalled I had
witnessed the same thing at a previous job. Three different men, three
different clubs, all posing with the same move! All were C.C.M.’s!
SS
A “Stool Stuffer”
is a person willing to do any unreasonable task requested by a customer or
higher management. Generally the “SS Officer” will say YES, and someone else
will do the work. “Stool Stuffer” is a variation on a theme. Many times the
childish query has been posed; “May I push in your stool?” This version was
secreted from a childish old person using subtlety to hide his intent.
Code Words
J
& S ( Juvenile & Sophomoric
)
Cooks working
under stress tire of acting mature and will occasionally release their inner
child like steam from a boiling kettle. Some of this “steam” is lost to the
exhaust fans but most will linger. And any cook will tell you a steam burn is a
nasty creature. It was J & S behavior that created the terms in this
chapter.
Gapper ( NOT sexual innuendo )
Thick rubber
floor mats are commonly used behind the line. Each mat is usually about eight
feet long and several are needed to cover the entire line. When you want to
aggravate a co-worker, make sure the mats do not touch, thus producing a “gap”.
When walking from mat to floor to mat, it is very easy to trip. This is an
excellent example of “J& S”
behavior.
NTK ( Need To Know )
Some chefs are
not good communicators while others hoard information attempting
self-aggrandizement. Small minds and egocentric personalities perceive
knowledge as power and will not share this power willingly. Consequently, cooks
have been told; “you are on a need to know” basis. Thus if staff is brazen
enough to inquire about activities they are not performing, the response is
“NTK”.
Yep
Whenever a boss
instructs you to do something ridiculous, simply reply! “Yyyyyyyy yep”. Say the word slowly. The
concentration required to drag out the pronunciation will stop you from
shouting an obscenity and allow you to be sarcastic without being caught.
The
Whinery
There is always someone
who whines on and on about situations that are not to their liking. This
“whiners” station is known as “The Whinery”.
Standard
Answers
During a busy
service the expediter will continually ask the cooks when a dish will be ready.
In order to indulge our J & S requirements, and to annoy the expediter, a set of standard answers was
developed. When the expediter asked for an arrival time, the cooks would
respond, “Answer Number Two”, etc.
Answer # 1 It
ain’t near done
Answer # 2 Two
minutes
Answer # 3 Its
near done
Answer # 4 Delivery
is immanent
Should
Be
One chef was notorious for not maintaining inventory. When queried
if stock was on hand he would immediately respond, “should be”. Questions were soon shouted throughout the kitchen. The
game was for the cooks to respond “should
be”, before the chef.
Anal
Myopia
I can’t see my
ass going to work today.
I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.
Into THE
CAULDRON!
“The difficult we do,
The impossible
takes a little longer!”
Is tuisce deoch na sceal
