Chapter 31: Nick Names

THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN 

NICK NAMES

Humor in the Kitchen is loud and brutish. You are hit with a meat mallet, not wafted by a dandy’s handkerchief. Remarks tend to be vulgar and cutting but true inspiration shines through on occasion. I offer examples for those with minds mingling in the muck and those whose muse may meander higher.

The first group of nicknames has been “SELF INFLICTED”. A characteristic or habit of an individual has been noticed and the trait becomes their moniker.

Ed (Oedipus)

         A waitress worked in the same restaurant as her son, who was a “foodrunner”. During a busy dinner service, dishes were stacked in the kitchen waiting to be delivered. The foodrunner hurried back to the kitchen and asked the expediter; “who do I get next” A or B? Since A was the guy’s mother, all the cooks were aghast at the impropriety, and loudly voiced their disapproval. The Oedipus Complex is a psychological disorder where children are sexually attracted to their parent of the opposite gender.

Feedbag

         Anyone who eats beyond the capacity of a normal human being is a “Feedbag”. “Feedbags” are also usually oblivious that they eat too much. If you join the army after earning this name, it is changed to “Private Feedbag”.

(Mr.) Magoo

         Mr. Magoo is a cartoon character with terrible eyesight. This is a traditional moniker for anyone who seems unable to find what he is looking for. “Magoo” is often times turned into a verb i.e. “Did you magoo that chicken?” A smart “Magoo” will turn this trait to his advantage. When not in the mood to look for product, he can ask for help without receiving the usual sass. Everyone will chuckle and assume “Magoo” is “blind” again.

Maximum

         Banquet cooks are forever asking “front of the house” personnel how many guests have arrived. Experience has taught that a number on a “function sheet” means nothing and the only way to avoid cooking too few entrée’s is to get a “body count”. One banquet manager grew tired of these queries and shouted; “we are at maximum”.

H. B. O.

One veteran cook informed the staff that he was the “Head Broiler Operator” and therefore should be addressed as HBO!

Talos

Talos (TAY – los) is a bronze giant from ancient Greek mythology. You should watch the early 1960’s movie “Jason and the Argonauts” to fully comprehend the image. Jason drained the life fluid from the giant and Talos endured a slow agonizing death. He first grabs his throat in pain, then teeters, next cracks appear, and finally his body shatters and the pieces fall to the beach. As a new confidant manager was experiencing the unnecessary and illogical stress of  “THE ZONE”, the old hands were counting the days before he hit the beach.

Fluff Master

One cook was so impressed with his ability to make light, fluffy mashed potatoes that he renamed himself.

The Vulture

         One server was constantly hovering around the kitchen towards the end of any buffet. They were ignoring their work in order to be the first to pick over the leftovers. They would swoop around the kitchen intently eyeing the prep table. As soon as the hotel pans hit steel, “The Vulture” would pounce. This “hot LZ” was attacked and a container was immediately filled. Meanwhile, the remaining staff was working.

Cheesy Dumper

A lunchtime station required a large amount of cheese to be sliced each day. The cook at this station must have been overworked since she started to have dreams about the workplace. In her dream, she was sitting in the bathroom performing “Number Two” when a fellow cook delivered the required cheese.

13 or 30

One expediter had a habit of leaving the line to see how many tables remained to be served. One night he returned, and with a straight face, said; “you have either 13 or 30 left.” The logic of this statement escaped everyone but him.

Au Jus

         Laziness and carelessness gave birth to “Au Jus”. One place had kitchens on two floors connected by a “dumbwaiter”. This device had two shelves and someone put an unwrapped container of “au jus” (cooking liquid – usually hot) on the top shelf. When the lower floor cook reached up for the container it spilled down his face and jacket.

DOM & DYM

         As is the custom in a testosterone fueled space, two males were commenting on the physical attributes of a female. The younger, aghast at the elder’s crudeness, called him a “Dirty Old Man”. Come on, DOM why do you gotta be like that? Well you are a “Dirty Young Man”.

Similar features of celebrities and those around us have entertained the populous for ages. Next I offer a few “LOOK A LIKES” that I have encountered.

Gandalf

A worldly, mature, almost white haired YoungMan, endeared himself to his wife by growing a beard. Now his hair, beard and jacket were a dazzling white. This gentleman produced such a startling aura; it could only be compared to the first appearance of “Gandalf the White”.

Lerch

Lerch was the butler from The Adams Family television show. He was large, tall, and if spoken to would respond with the sound, aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaa. This name was assigned to a tall, particularity slow moving man.

The Turtle – The Tall Turtle

Imagine the cartoon character “FRANKLIN”, a turtle. One chef was short with a large nose and a hunched over back. Salesmen would refer to him as “The Turtle”. A tall new sous chef gained his “handle” by association, “The Tall Turtle”.

Amish

The Amish are Christians that live a simple, mostly agrarian life. There is a large population in south central Pennsylvania. A young man got a haircut that looked like a bowl was placed on his head as a guide. This coif was ridiculed and comparisons were made to “LLOYD” Christmas and an Amish farmboy. Amish stuck.        

Flaca

A Spanish-speaking guy thought his young, tall, skinny, white boy co-worker looked like a dirty little girl. So he referred to the younger man as “FLACA SUCIO”. This Spanish was a mouthful for the Anglos so it was shortened to “FLACA”.

Rhyming words with someone’s name has been done for eons. Word association is similar childish behavior and the heat of the kitchen boils one’s brain the same way. I now offer nouns that are SIMILAR or ASSOCIATED with a name.

Dr. Phil  -  The Doctor  -  Dr. of  “Phil  osiphy”

A few cooks worked too many years for a chef named Phil and spent their down time playing word games with his name. If staff did not like what he was doing it was termed:                    “PHIL… LATIO”, or it was all “PHILLED UP”.

Senor

This term is a play on the Spanish word for mister. A young guy coined the phrase referring to someone who was “senior” to him in years.

“Laffer   disiac”

Mr. Lafferty would encourage young ladies to eat oysters!

“Management”

This was a method to distinguish guys when too many have the same first name.  The sous chef was renamed “Management”. This is a nod of respect to my uncle who lovingly used the term to refer to his wife.

Comparing the PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES of others to the world around us is my next offering.

Diaper Butt

One lady possessed the “maximum” of gluteus maximums. As she walked away one could not help but be reminded of an infant with a full load.

Spud Butt

One young lady actually told the story of this encounter. She met a man who commented on the size of her posterior and he theorized that she “sure ate a lot of potatoes”.

Sheet Pan Ass

This term is the exact opposite of the previous two examples. Sheet pans are metal trays about 2’ x 3’ with ½ inch lip, commonly used in kitchens.

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.

Into THE CAULDRON!

                                                 “The difficult we do,
                                                 The impossible takes a little longer!”

Is tuisce deoch na scael