THE CHRONICLER OF THE KITCHEN
SPECIAL
ORDERS
If you do not want to eat what is on the menu,
then WHY are you here?
Special orders DO UPSET US! They are “the gaper delay”
of the Kitchen Highway! Production must stop, as you abandon your station to
engage in an unanticipated mission of discovery. You are making ONE
person happy, while everyone else
waits!
People who want special service tend to be self-centered so they
fail to notice that their need miraculously occurs at the busiest time of
service. They also want to know why their order takes so long.
In a public restaurant customers may have to eat what is on the menu. In a private
establishment, “members” are rarely refused. If a cook is inclined to waste his
time he may ask Management, if he should fulfill the request and hear:
Ni, ni, ni, ni, ni,ni, ni, ……... YES!
YoungMan”
Servers invariably deliver these “requests”. When they start a
question with “can”, the cook will lean forward on his two fists and bow his
head giving the impression of intense concentration. He is actually, grinding his tongue into tiny pieces
resisting the urge to pull this person through “the window”, and gently inquire,
“Is that
on the menu?”
You feel like a child, you know you have to do this but you do
not want to do this. You will receive all the pain but zero reward for
making that “special” customer happy.
“I AM HERE
TO PLEASE THE MEMBERSHIP!”
Over time you will
develop “the thousand yard stare”. This deadening of common sense happens over
time and a cook will prepare the most ridiculous things without comment. BUT THIS SCAR TISSUE TAKES A LONG, LONG TIME
TO DEVELOP!
So where does this hostility go? It can be internalized (to ruin a
cooks stomach), spewed at the server, or launched at the chef (who only uses
the word “NO” when speaking to a cook).
High volume kitchen production is achieved from following a
routine. Everything is set up for speed. Your “mise en place”, the items
required for your dishes, is within arms reach. You know where everything is
without looking. Watching a good line cook is like watching a gymnast on the
balance beam. They are turning, bending, stooping, stirring, tasting, handling
hot objects, and using sharp knives with barely a thought or glance. But when
you stumble on the balance beam, everything stops; you have to think about the
next step. But the first step is usually to curse!
Special requests initiate a long walk down “the line”. This little
soiree requires “running the gauntlet”. You must “tread the narrow path” behind
cooks with knives in their hands on one side and a wall of heat and flames on
the other. You start shouting “behind”,
so no one turns in to you. If you escape unscathed, you enter a haven, the
“walk-in”. You stop inside the door and your head automatically tilts up
feeling the breeze from the fan. Your mind immediately shifts to pleasure mode.
Its dark, cool and quiet here. So why can’t I stay in this “controlled
environment”?
During this interlude, questions of appropriateness and common
sense wander through your mind. I should be on the line pushing out plates. I
am wasting time on one {expletive of your choice} and will have to work harder
just to catch up. And worst of all, I will have to listen to the chef, the guy who
sent me in here, question why things are taking so long! These queries are not
posed in a genteel fashion. Depending on the cook and the chef they may remain
floating in your cerebellum or erupt volcanically over the soundscape. Chaos
reigns on the other side of that door! You must shake off the euphoria, grab
your ingredients, and resume your dance between and hot and sharp objects.
There is very little workspace, and now even that is cluttered.
Your attention is turned to the “special request” when; “HOLY CRAP BATMAN”,
what did I burn while I was in the walk-in? Now you have to trash the ruined
dish, start it again, finish the “special request”, take control of your other
dishes, listen to the expediter’s “motivational” rants, and most importantly,
NOT scream that you were doing what you were told!
A cook is judged on output. Speed and coordinating with fellow
cooks to plate a dish at the same time is essential. If an item is not ready
when fired, the whole process backs up. You can jump to another order but that
may not be ready either.
At this point the chef asks “how close is that dish? You reply,
”two minutes”. Thirty seconds later he repeats the same question. You reply,
“one minute”. Thirty seconds later he screams,
“I NEED THAT NOW!”
“I NEED THAT NOW!”
And then you get to do it again. A precedent has been set. Once
something not on the menu appears in the dining room, others will see it and
want it. “If they did it for him, they will do it for me”!
The server will smile and take the tip. The cook just sweats!
I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.
Into THE
CAULDRON!
“The difficult we do,
The impossible
takes a little longer!”
Is tuisce deoch na sceal
