Chapter 1 : Heatwave

HEATWAVE - PART 1

I slowly come to consciousness, the fog clearing ever so slightly. I feel the sheet on top of me, a breeze blowing over me from the fan. It’s a cheap plastic one so the noise can barely be heard. The shades are drawn. It’s dark, but the sun shines through providing enough light to see.

Where’s the clock? What time is it? I don’t want to get up! I’ll just lie here awhile. The TV weathermen say we are in the middle of a heatwave, three days in a row with temperatures above 90 degrees. Is this the third day? The fourth? I don’t want to get up, even my pecker is limp!

Out of bed, I walk around naked so the weight of clothing doesn’t add to the heat. My stomach is covered in ugly red blotches. Prickly Heat, at least, that’s what my mother called it. My skin does not like to be covered in a sweat soaked shirt for hours at a time. I wash and apply lotion every night after work, but it’s back again the next night.

At least my crotch is OK. A few years ago, I learned that anti-perspirant applied to this area will combat heat rash. It can even prevent rash if used in time. I haven’t suffered a case of “SWAMP BUTT”, since. People laugh at me when I tell them this, but it works, so I don’t care. I have found this method far superior to the traditional kitchen use of cornstarch. Cornstarch absorbs so much moisture, it dries out your skin. You are then in a “Catch 22’ situation. You use cornstarch during work to remove moisture but then are forced to moisturize after work.

I push the shade aside and peak out the window. Immediately, I shut my eyes and turn my head. My eyes have been assaulted! The sun is dazzling bright. It’s going to be another hot one. At what point tonight will I wrap a towel around my head to keep the sweat out of my eyes?

Mental fatigue is worse than the physical. Physically, you endure the heat and rejoice when it’s over. Each day you get up thinking about what you must put up with in the coming hours. My brain screams at me; “Why do you allow this to happen”? It’s so hot, the refrigeration equipment continually breaks down, but the humans carry on.

To escape the heat, every cook will take a break in the “walk-in”. You can judge the heat of the kitchen by your body’s reaction to the temperature change. Your body is covered in sweat. How long before you get cold?

Go to the freezer first. If there is ice caked around the door or the plastic barriers, it’s been a hot few days. If there is “smoke” inside, it’s a really bad day. If the freezer is too cold, go to the refrigerators.

Try the meat box next. This is usually the coldest refrigerator. Do not stand in front of the fans right away. This is the coldest part. Test the waters, so to speak, near the door first. Wait a minute, if this feels fine, enjoy. Still too cold? Move on to the produce box.

The produce box is the warmest of the refrigerators. If you are cold in here, you are in a bad way. But the produce box has never let me down, so enjoy the cool air and low humidity.

Eating a regular meal will give you stomach cramps by the end of the night. Milk or ice cream is even worse, but we do it any way.

Your underwear sticks to you. It’s soaked with sweat and refuses to move unless it clings to your legs. Kitchen tradition states you must wear a stiff white jacket. They are made of a material that only adds to the heat you must endure and every chef wants the buttons done up to the neck! I am working in appalling heat around sharp knives, smoke, open flames, and a bunch of sweaty people, but management insists that my neck be restricted, thus ensuring I am even more uncomfortable.

To make matters worse, EVERYONE ELSE, except management, says;

IT’S SO HOT IN HERE!

HOW DO YOU GUYS STAND IT?

Our standard reply is:

STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

IT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE!

I think we should have had a couplet in Tom Lehrer’s song – “Masochism Tango”.

There is a certain amount of machismo, we enjoy about enduring such conditions, but all in all we would rather not!

To put it into perspective, one-coworker, a veteran Iraqi War soldier said:

“THIS REMINDS ME OF BEING INSIDE THE HUMWEE IN BAGHDAD”

I owe, I owe, its off to work I go.        

Into THE CAULDRON!

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